Bad News

Well it’s my birthday and I made it to 40, whoo hoo! I don’t mind getting older. In fact, I’m super thankful to be here. On Tuesday 5/7, my oncologist gave me an unwanted birthday present. The disease is worse than ever. Not only are the mets in my back worse, I have new ones in my back (spine, lumbar, sacrum) and I have tumors in my liver again! Dang.

It’s pretty scary to have so much new growth while I’m in weekly treatment. I always felt so safe while I was in weekly treatment. But every single patient is unique and everyone reacts to the various drugs differently. Some of them work beautifully. Apparently, other drugs have about as much effectiveness as running saline through your veins LOL. So my doc started me on a different drug right away. He gave me great comfort by telling me that while he knew the results days before I came in on Tuesday, it provided him with time to research what drug he wanted to use, and to get the pre-authorization from my insurance. That way, he could give me the news and then say, “…But I have another drug that we are going to start TODAY…” No waiting for them to think about it or get pre-authorization from Blue Cross.

I’m not going to lie or pretend that everything is fabulous. I am scared shitless. I have three pretty good sized tumors on my liver, the biggest one being 7cm. Having tumors up and down my spine also scares the crap out of me because I’m trying to get mobile, and I’m scared I’m going to break something or hurt myself some other way.

When I get too scared, I try to remember that God’s plan and timing are perfect, no matter what. God’s perfect plan may be to bring me home to be with Him. Then again, this all may be happening to make my testimony stronger. Last Sunday, my pastor preached about always being prepared to talk about why your faith in God is strong, and to be ready to give your testimony (1 Peter 3:15). The miracles that I’ve experienced during my cancer battle have been wonderful and I’ve just been in awe of what God has done for me. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I shouldn’t be here. As bad as the disease was 3 years ago, I didn’t think I would make it a year, much less make it to 40! Science was not, and is still not on my side, but God is in control. If it’s part of His perfect will that I make it through this battle, He can heal me with the touch of His fingertip. For the most part, I feel at peace. I’m still not going to stop fighting, ever! But when I get scared, I try to remember one of my favorite scriptures: Philippians 4:6 – Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.

For those of you that are still reading, just keep on praying!