More Bad News

I’ve been trying to find the right words for this post for a week, but they aren’t coming to me. So I’m just going to write. Last Thursday (8/1) I got results from my 7/29 scan. Again, the news is bad. My liver is worse and now I have a spot on my lung. I knew the news would be bad because I was supposed to have chemo on Tuesday 7/30 but they called me and told me not to come. They told me that my onco wanted to talk to me and then I could just have chemo after that. Well, I’ve gotten phone calls like that before. Once, it was good news and I got a 3 month chemo break. But the other times, it’s been bad, “unfortunately…” types of appointments. In addition to that, my blood counts have suffered over the past few months, particularly my hemoglobin. It got so low a few weeks ago that I needed two units of blood. My onco mentioned that if my counts continue to suffer, I may need a bone marrow biopsy. Having so many chemo drugs for so long could have caused me to develop a type of blood cancer.

I’m not going to sugar coat this. I’m upset and I’m worried. One good thing is that my doctor is optimistic as always. He even made me laugh after we discussed the scan results. So while the news was terrible, I left the office with a smile and ready to start my new chemo drugs (Taxotere and Carboplatin). My doctor and the nurses at the cancer center say that these two drugs together really pack a punch, so hopefully, this combo will be the one.  This treatment will be given every three weeks instead of weekly, so that makes me happy. I’ve only had one treatment, but so far so good. My main complaint is gas and indigestion, but I can take over the counter Digel and Zantac, and so far it’s helping. Two days after treatment, me and John drove up to Blacksburg for my dog’s physical therapy and I did fine. That’s another thing – our beloved shih tzu Peyton had a herniated disk and woke up one morning with all four limbs paralyzed, so he had surgery at Va Tech in Blacksburg, about 100 miles from here. So yes, it’s been a stressful, scary, awful month not just for my health, but I’ve worried about my pup too. Peyton is my little shadow so it’s been weird not having him follow me around. He’s making progress every day though, so I’m hoping he will be back to his old self soon.

I haven’t had an explosive cry yet. I had a mini cry in the shower the night that I got the news, but no big blow up yet. Usually the first thing I do when I get home after terrible news is play Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” as loud as I can stand it and cry really hard for about a half hour. I have no idea why I picked “Whole Lotta Love” it just happened once, and then it became a tradition. I’m sure my neighbors really hate it too because my closest neighbors are elderly, and I’m willing to bet they don’t like Led Zeppelin.

Here is a bright spot for this post. The first thing I thought when I left the onco office Thursday was “hmm, now my chemo will be on Thursday so I’ll meet all new people and I bet there is a huge blessing coming my way…” I didn’t think I would experience a blessing on my very first day but I did! The nurse assigned to me said that the lady in the cube next to me was not sick, but with a sick friend getting chemo. However, the healthy lady had stage iv ovarian cancer six years earlier and had been on the same kind of drugs that I was getting ready to start. Today she is clean! That is pretty amazing, considering that stage iv ovarian cancer is so mean. Well, the lady came over and talked to me about it and it was wonderful to hear her prospective and positive story. In addition to her ovarian cancer struggle, she had a story about either a relative or close friend (I was high on benedryl so I can’t remember) that had stage iv breast cancer in her bones, liver, and brain. She is also clean now. I was blown away that on my very first day of new treatment on a new day, I met this amazing woman with such uplifting stories. Maybe that’s why I haven’t had an explosive cry yet. I just can’t feel sorry for myself after receiving a huge blessing on such a rough day.

I’m thankful that I’m still able to work and feel pretty decent. I’m never giving up. I asked my onco if he would ever give up on me and he promised he wouldn’t. So I pray every day, sometimes many times a day that God bless my body and bless my doctor. I also ask that God bless the meds as they go into my body because without God’s blessing, the meds are worthless. I hope that my next treatment experience is just as good as the first one. I know God’s plan is perfect and I ask Him every day to lead me in the right direction. I want to be a better Christian and do God’s work, sick or well. Maybe right now, I can do better work for Him as a sick person. Maybe there are still people out there that I’m meant to meet, and the only way to cross paths with them is being sick. I still pray for total healing though. I still dream of going to nursing school so I can give back to everyone that has helped me, but frankly, I believe I need to be healthy for that. Juggling a full time job and a busy personal life is demanding enough. I don’t think I need to add school to it until I’m strong again. I believe that I will be strong and healthy again someday. Only God can heal me, and God is stronger than cancer, and smarter than science.