Look Out, Victoria's Secret!

I’ve loved Victoria’s Secret bras for about 15 years. I never bought the frilly, fancy, lacey bras, just the practical “Body by Victoria” and t-shirt bras. When I got my diagnosis, I was worried about what kind of bras I would have to wear after surgery. I quickly learned I had every reason to worry. The ladies at the prosthesis office here in Bristol are wonderful, so this is not an insult to them. The actual bras are the problem. I was an average B cup, and I NEVER saw a regular B cup bra with more than two hooks. One of my mastectomy bras has FIVE hooks, no lie. Some of the bras also have huge seams in the middle of the cups that can be seen through shirts. These bras are very uncomfortable and not attractive.

Last October and the October before that, I wrote to Victoria’s Secret. I thought that by writing to them during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it might get more attention. The first email I sent was to suggest that they make bras with “pockets” or panels in the cups. I think this is a very reasonable request because lots of women with A cup breasts like a little lift and extra volume. Bras that have pockets/panels in the cups would enable small women to insert extra padding. It could also accommodate women like me. Well, I got no response. I received an automated “we will get back to you within 24 hours with a response…” and nothing. This year, I tried again. Instead of making a suggestion, I just asked if they made bras with pockets/panels such as the “Miracle Bra,” which has a product description of “extra padding to provide lift…” In my email inquiry, I explained my situation, and I even suggested sewing cotton panels into my existing VS bras. I received a stiff, “sorry we don’t make surgical bras, but why not give our gel adhesives a try?” Um, gel adhesives? Really?

I’m not a master seamstress, but I’m going to pull out handheld Singer sewing tool and make my own mastectomy bras from my old VS bras. Then, I’m going to contact VS again, not to make a suggestion or ask them to help me, but to tell them to kiss my butt. Perhaps I’ll be able to give myself back the bras that I love and maybe even help another BC survivor that’s been through bra hell.

Two Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today, I had the mastectomy. Some people mark their diagnosis date, but I was pretty numb that day. I wasn't even upset on my diagnosis day (10/19/09). Breast cancer research gets tons of funding, lots of female celebrities have battled it, and I love pink. I thought I would just have a mastectomy do the "cautionary" round of chemo, and be done. I remember thinking that it was almost trendy, and I'd be back to work two weeks after the surgery, no biggie. Boy, was I in for a surprise.

Before the surgery, I'd never been in the hospital. I'd been to the emergency room twice for stitches, and the sickest I'd ever been was with chicken pox when I was five. We had to be at the hospital at 5 AM. We got checked in and I had to get completely undressed. I was not happy - I couldn't even wear my underwear. When they finally wheeled me off to surgery, I kissed my husband and said a silent prayer that everything would go okay.

When I woke up, I felt really hung over. I couldn't see or feel anything on my chest. It was all bandaged and numb. Then I found a drainage tube that was stitched in to my underarm - another big surprise! And I had to go home with it and wear it for a week!! Gross. The longer I laid in my hospital bed, the more nauseated I got. They gave me crackers and ginger ale, but my mouth was so dry, the crackers turned to stone. Less than an hour later, I was throwing up non-stop. The surgeon ordered some anti-nausea meds and they decided to keep me overnight. My sister said my skin looked gray.

The next day, a volunteer for Reach for Recovery came to visit me. I had asked for a visit before my surgery because I was really ignorant about what I would need post-surgery. She was so nice and she had been through it as well, so she knew what she was talking about. She gave me a bag with all kinds of helpful items such as a tie on apron-like thing to hold my drain. She also gave me a make-shift prosthetic to tide me over until I could get to the breast prosthesis office. That visit was a real blessing for me.

Before we left the hospital, a nurse came in and showed John how he could help me change my gauze. She wasn't hateful, but not very warm either. She untied my gown and ripped off the old gauze before I could even protest. John saw the incision before I could even try to cover myself. He didn't even react. I don't know what was going through his mind, but I was humiliated. I'm not sure why. I can out-burp and out-fart him any day of the week. When I had my last wisdom tooth cut out, I threw up all over his new car. He's never acted grossed out or turned off by me, even when he had every right to feel that way, haha!

When we got home, I was still feeling a little weak and woozy. I was dying to take a shower, so John stood guard in case I started feeling like I might fall. In the shower, I had to tape the drain tube's little bag to my chest because I was afraid to let it hang. It was loosely stitched in, but I was scared it would fall out. I didn't realize how deep it was in until the surgeon pulled it out a week later. That really hurt!!

My journey was just beginning and I was scared, but so ignorant and naive. I really thought I had caught it in time, even though my leg had been hurting for a month. I just couldn't fathom how cancer in my right breast could have spread to my left leg. Besides, I had done everything right. I found the lump, I scheduled an appt with my OB/GYN, I went for the mammogram. So of course I had caught it in time.

Two years later, I know more about breast cancer than I ever wanted to know. Even though it's been a tough journey and it probably will always be challenging, I really like how it's changed my life. I'm closer to God than I ever was before. I don't take the little things too seriously anymore. I know what's important in life now, and I thank God every day for giving me another day. I wouldn't trade the past two years for anything.

My Family

I blogged about my husband last night. Tonight I'm going to blog about my family. My family is tiny, but we are super close and I'm so thankful for that.

My Sister Cat:
From birth, I've been mega close to my older sister Cat. She's definitely my best friend in the world, and I would be so lost without her. I thank my parents for instilling in both of us the importance of being good to each other, and being there for each other. We fought and argued some over the years, especially after I got old enough to make bad decisions that I knew Cat didn't agree with, haha. But overall, we've been super close. I can tell her anything. My husband is in court almost every day, so he isn't able to go to the oncologist or to chemo with me very much. My sister was with me when I got my diagnosis and learned I would need a mastectomy, then again when I learned that I hadn't caught the cancer in time. She was with me when I went to the orthopedic surgeon and learned that I would need leg surgery. I called her first when we found out that my cancer had spread again. I'm sure it killed her to hear all the bad news, but she was positive and strong through all of it. We always find a way to laugh through anything. One evening when I was in the wheelchair and feeling my worst, Cat came over and we downloaded ringtones for our phones together. We laughed until we cried. It felt so good to laugh! Cat always comes through for me. I hope we will be joking and laughing when we are in our eighties!

My Dad:
I've always been a daddy's girl. I know he loves Cat just as much, but me and dad always had a special bond. We are also very much alike, so we understand each other. Telling my parents I had breast cancer was so painful. It was harder than telling my husband. I'm the younger child, so I think they still see me as a 5 year old girl. My dad has felt pretty helpless during all of this drama, so whenever he can, he goes to the doctor and to chemo with me. So far, I've had about 60 chemo treatments and dad has gone with me to at least 50 of them. I know it's hard for him to see me sick, but he tries to make the experience more fun. At treatment, we always eat and talk, and I tell him gossip about people we both know, haha. It really makes the treatment go by much faster! Dad is very special to me, and the older he gets, the more he reminds me of his dad, who I also adored. I hope he's around for a long time, and I hope that I can stick around and be there for him when he needs me.

My Mom:
My mom always told me that I came to her at the perfect time. Her dad was dying when she found out she was pregnant with me. She was really close to her dad, so she was heartbroken knowing she was going to lose him. She said that at his funeral, she felt me move for the first time. Being pregnant gave her something to look forward to and something positive to focus on, rather than wallow in grief over her dad's death. She has taken my illness really hard. She hasn't been able to go to any doctor or chemo appointments with me. When I had my leg surgery last year, she couldn't see me in the hospital. She made it to the lobby, but then she had to stop. I don't know what it's like to be a mom, but I can't imagine how she feels now. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her though. She may not be able to go to the hospital or to doc appointments, but she always listens to me when I talk. I can talk to her about dying and being afraid to die sometimes. I can't talk to dad or my husband about that because they get too upset. I can tell my sister anything, but I've found that mom is my favorite to talk to about my faith, prayer, and my fears. Mom is also fearless about gross stuff. She's cleaned up my vomit and she even held a bed pan under me when I was hurting too bad to walk from my bed to the toilet. Now that is true love!!

My brother-in-law Anthony, my nephew Daniel, and my niece Emma:
Anthony has always been a good friend to me. When I got divorced from my first husband, Anthony was the only one in the family that had been through it. The rest of my family just didn't understand. They tried to be supportive, but Anthony knew how I felt. He moved all of my furniture out of my house and into my new apartment and he took up for me when my parents gave me a hard time for leaving my house with the ex behind. After my diagnosis, he even went with me to a few chemo appointments. His mom also fought breast cancer (and won!!) so he could relate to my feelings about being sick too. I'm glad that he married my sister and I consider him a true brother, not just an in-law.
Daniel is getting ready to turn 12. It's hard to believe because I remember holding him in the hospital on the day he was born. Now, he can almost pick me up! Daniel is such a sweet and sensitive boy. He's always ready to give me hug, no matter what's going on or where we are. I adore him. He knows all about my illness and that I could die. Last year he wrote a paper for a school assignment titled My Greatest Wish, and his greatest wish was to have a cure for cancer for me. I carry it in my purse. Cat says he doesn't like to talk about it much though.
Emma is 5 and she's so full of spirit. She was only 3 when I was diagnosed, but when I lost all my hair and was in the wheelchair, she asked me if I was going to die. I just said, "not today!" and she was satisfied with that. For her age, she's really handled this well. She doesn't freak out when she sees me without my wig, and the cane doesn't seem to bother her either. She likes to use it as a play microphone, haha.
I pray every night that I live long enough to see the kids grow up. They are so precious to me.

I have other family, but they are spread out all over the country. My parents and my sister and her family are the only close family I have, but they are very special to me. I'm so thankful to have them!

My Husband John

Just a quick note before you read this one - it's very direct and contains a few cuss words. It doesn't make me look like the best person on the planet, but I think honesty is important. I may not always be here and I don't want anyone thinking I was a big fake, so you've been warned. :o)


I've been in several serious long-term relationships and have a failed marriage under my belt. This doesn't make me an expert on relationships or marriage, just an expert on making mistakes, haha! I don't like to gush about stuff, especially my relationships, but I feel the need to talk about John - how we met, how we found each other again, and how he's played a HUGE part in saving my life.

I remember the first time I met John. I was 21, a college student, and working as a waitress in a restaurant. A mutual friend introduced us and suggested that we go out. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship with an older man and wanted to date guys my own age. I liked talking to John on the phone, but the timing was just bad, so I decided not to go out with him. Over the next several years, I saw him rarely, and it was a little awkward. I was worried he might not like me much after I'd given him the brush off.

I eventually moved an hour away from home and got married. I was married for about five and a half years, and then it all crumbled. During this time, I signed up for some lit classes to keep my teaching license current (I'm licensed to teach high school English). Guess who my teacher was? John! My first thought was "oh shit I hope he doesn't hold a grudge..." Of course he didn't. He was a kind and dynamic professor, very smart. I found myself developing a HUGE crush on him. Going to his class on Monday nights was such a great escape from my unhappy home. After taking his classes, I was a little depressed that it had to end.

In the months after the classes ended, I kept in touch with John via email. We met for lunch and dinner several times and I felt even closer to him. In my heart, I knew I needed to do the right thing, so I told my then husband that I had made a friend and that I cared for him very much. At this point, our marriage was pretty much over, but I still didn't want to lie to him. About a month after telling my husband, he came to me and said, "you are in love with him" and I couldn't argue. So I moved out. While I never physically committed adultery, I cheated in my heart, and that's probably just as bad. I had to pray a lot. I asked God to forgive me. I know God forgave me, but it took a long time for me to make peace with myself and my ex-husband. We are now on good terms and even occasionally meet for lunch. I care for him and want him to be happy, but I have none of the feelings for him that I have for John - never did. I feel that John is my true soul mate. Sorry, that term is so cliche.

Me and John dated for 3 years before we got married, and the whole time we dated, I was determined to be smart. I've made so many mistakes with guys in the past and I rushed into my first marriage. I wanted to be absolutely sure that John was the one for me, and that I wasn't just infatuated with my professor. One thing I wanted to be sure of was that we deeply cared for each other, no matter what happened.

My mom told me a story many years ago that made a huge impact on me. When her dad was in the hospital dying of a brain tumor, my grandmother was at the hospital every day. She read him the mail, told him town gossip, anything to get him to respond to her. Sadly he did not recover and died a few months before I was born. Nanna met a lot of nice people during this time and she told mom about a couple that she became friends with. The husband had a very serious illness and his wife was with him all the time, giving him encouragement and support. After my grandfather died, my nanna kept in touch with this couple. The husband eventually recovered from his illness and went on to live a long life. However, the wife got sick one day. I'm not sure what her illness was, but she needed a blood transfusion and her husband refused to give her his blood. After all the support she gave him throughout his illness, he basically turned his back on her. Well, she got a blood transfusion from someone, she recovered, and then she left his ass.

The reason I am posting this story, a story I like to call "The Blood Test" is because I use it as a way to gauge peoples' responses. How they respond determines my opinion on whether or not they will stick by me when I go through tough times. I was beyond healthy throughout mine and John's courtship, and frankly, I never thought I'd be sick. So one night, we were just lying in bed talking (yep he stayed the night with me in my apartment several nights a week before me got married, I may as well be honest) and I told him this story. He was appalled. Then he asked, "the guy was a match right??" I told him that he must have been a match because the hospital apparently asked him to give her the blood. So John’s reaction was what I was looking for. He was shocked about the husband refusing and felt bad that someone would not help a person they supposedly loved. I breathed a sigh of relief that he passed my test, and then forgot about it.

We had only been married for two and half years when I got my diagnosis. I know he was shocked and scared. John is thirteen years older than me, so I'm sure he probably thought that he would die first. Honestly, I thought that too. I never dreamed in a thousand years that the tables would be turned. I was everyone's caretaker and the one that everyone came to when something was needed.

I got so scared thinking about being sick and losing my looks because John met me in my "prime." At 21, I was attractive enough, never beautiful, but decent looking. Working at the restaurant gave me a rock hard body and I had the energy of ten people. When we met again, I was 30 and still looked okay. I had gained a little weight, but my body parts were still where they should be. If there was anything about my body that I could say I liked, I would have definitely picked my breasts. The morning of the mastectomy, he was in the bathroom shaving, and I went in to joke with him, to lift both our spirits. It was 4:30 AM, so I guess I was my sense of humor wasn't at its best, but I lifted up my shirt and told him to take one long last look before I got butchered. It just embarrassed him. Guess he wasn't in the mood, haha. After the mastectomy, John was the first one to see my chest - not my choice. I really wanted to look first, but an overzealous nurse came in to change my dressing, and she pretty much just ripped it off right in front of him. He didn't even blink. He was very supportive and understanding when I looked up at him, mortified. His mom went through it twice, and although he never saw her scars, he sort of had an idea of what to expect. My Victoria's Secret bra days were over.

Less than a month later, my leg got so bad that I could barely move without pain. I cried every night over the thought of having to get in the shower because the top of my femur that connected with my hip would "catch" when I tried to move in the shower, and I would almost fall every time. During this time, John stood guard and watched me shower. He dried me off because I couldn't bend. He put my socks on and pulled up my underwear because I could reach them. I had radiation marks all over my thigh and pubic area and I was embarrassed by how it looked. After the first chemo, my hair thinned out, so John helped me shave my head. I went from a healthy, energetic, reasonably attractive woman to a limping, bald, one-breasted mess. John never complained. He cooked, cleaned, did all the shopping, all while working full time. Even through all of this, he still found the time to make jokes, tell me funny stories, and try my wig on to make me laugh. He didn't care that I had neither the ability nor the desire to have sex. When things got even worse and I thought I wouldn't live to see my next birthday, he stepped up even more. He got me some tools for the kitchen to help me make healthy "cancer-fighting" foods and tried all of my crazy recipes. Note: homemade V8 is gross. Just buy it!

John is no saint and he certainly has moments of aggravation. I try to just give him time and space when he needs it, even if it’s just time to sit in the office bedroom to read his blogs or play his computer games. I’m very thankful that we found each other again and we are here for each other. When I pray, I always say a special prayer for him. Caretakers have it rough, and are often overlooked and underappreciated. I also pray that God continue to heal my body so I can be here to return the favor when it’s John’s turn to need care – hopefully that will be when he’s 110!! :o)

Kudos to Local Docs!

I've often heard people say things like, "I would never go to a doctor around here..." I'm not judging. If you are more comfortable going to a specialist in a bigger area, go for it. But I have to give a shout out to all the docs, nurses, aids, volunteers, and receptionists that have helped me through my ordeal. I've had both of my surgeries and all of my treatments right here in Bristol, VA/TN, and I have no complaints.

I was NEVER sick before all of this drama started so I was really scared about being a patient and having to rely so much on other people. I've had nothing but great experiences at the Bristol hospital, the Nicewonder Cancer Center, and Blue Ridge Medical Specialists. They treat me like a family member and I always feel like I'm heard, never dismissed. Most importantly, I'm getting better! :o) God gets top billing for that, but I know that He's blessed every staff member that has been in contact with me. God knew that I would need lots of support to get through this and how scared I was to go from totally healthy to health crisis overnight.

I think it's critical to have a good relationship with the people that are treating you. And the road goes both ways. Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I have a license act however I want. That may happen in the movies, but I've learned that cancer in real life doesn't involve violins playing or having an epiphany every day, haha. Being kind and positive goes a long way with people and I think it's better for my health too.

I started chemo again today and my doctor's office is going through some transitioning right now. So, they sent me across the street to the Nicewonder Cancer Center for my treatment. It was soooooo nice. They have private little cubical areas with snacks, your own TV, comfy chairs, and lots of other things. I think a patient must have designed it because it was perfect. My dad went with me and he was impressed too. To all of my local buddies, I truly hope you never have to go through anything like this. But if you do, feel free to ask me questions about my experiences with the local docs. I'll tell you anything you want to know. :o)

Here We Go Again

Well, next week, I'm going back to chemo. I'm not too upset about it though. My latest scan was actually good. No new growth and my bone mets are stable. However, my tumor marker number keeps shooting up. About 4 months ago, it was 70 something, then the next month, it jumped to 90 something, then the next month, it jumped to 240 something! Thankfully, this month, it only increased by 3 points, so that's good. Also, a high tumor marker doesn't mean new growth, just like a lower tumor marker doesn't mean "no tumors." For example, I still had multiple liver lesions in March 2010, yet my tumor marker fell to 41 (38 is considered "normal" if "normal" even exists anymore haha). So, in a nutshell, tumor marker only tells part of the story. My oncologist told me that going back to chemo for a few months should not be considered a set back or bad news. He just wants us to stay ahead of the disease. I'm all for it as long as it works!

As far as hair goes, I'm a little ticked about losing what few eyelashes that have grown back. The blond hair on my arms and face has grown back over the past few months - I never realized I had that much, so I won't mind losing that hair again! My head hair is only about a half inch long, so I won't miss it much. It's really dark though. I was kinda looking forward to seeing what it was going to look like. Oh well, hopefully in a few months, I can stop chemo again and start growing it all back again! Wearing a wig has really spoiled me anyway. When I finally do have my own hair again, I’ll have to get up early to style it. With the wig, I just wash it the night before and put in the wig stand. Then in the morning, I just pull it on. It takes a whole minute! I love that!!

Milestones

Two major things happened last weekend that made me so happy!! It's the little things we always take for granted, and it's amazing what we can adapt to and cope with.

First: For the first time since my leg surgery over a YEAR AGO, I was able to get dressed and leave the house without gauzing up my leg. Now that I'm out of chemo, cuts and scrapes heal a lot faster. My incision has been healing very nicely! It's down to a small pencil eraser shaped scab now. It's so freeing to go without gauze. This time last year, it was leaking so much water - that's what it looked like anyway, that I was having to change the gauze about every two hours. Sometimes after work my pant leg would be soaked. It was not fun.

Second: My eyelashes are coming back!! They are growing out fast. I'm guessing they are about half grown out. They are fine, but goring all the way across my both eyelids, so it's all good!

I never used to appreciate having lashes or thought anything about bandaging wounds and stuff. Now, every little positive thing that happens, I thank God for it. I'm so blessed to be here and every day is a gift.

Are You Ready?

I'm so happy that my health is improving and soooo thankful to God. Although this is a topic that nobody likes to talk about, it needs to be discussed. If you die tomorrow, are you ready to go? Spiritually, I'm ready. I've been a Christian since I was 11, and I have no doubt that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. My soul is ready, and for that, I feel a great deal of peace.

But how about all the every day tasks that you and those around you take for granted? For example, I write out all of our bills. I have our car insurance auto-bill to my Susuan G Komen Visa every month, but I don't even think I've told John about that. Forgetting little things like that could really mess John up if I die tomorrow. However, John doesn't like to talk about life "post-Amy" as I call it. Soooo, I made a folder on my laptop titled, "The End" and whenever I think of something useful, I put it in this file. So far, I have a document with as many of my online usernames and passwords that I can think of. In another document, I have some final wishes such as asking John to make sure my funeral is in the evening so my work buds can come.

My sister Cat was widowed suddenly at the way too young age of 25. She handled herself so gracefully, but it was very difficult for her. She had been married to her first love for only a year, but they had been together almost ten years. Yet, they had never discussed anything regarding final wishes, funeral arrangements, life insurance, etc. Her husband battled Hodgkins Disease in his early 20's and once he got a clean bill of health, he never went back to the doctor, and he never wanted to talk about sickness or death, period. Cat was lost and scrambled to make arrangements that she thought he would like and his family would approve of. Thank God our father stepped in and provided her with help and support only a dad can give.

So, as depressing or grim as it may sound, think about making a file of some kind. Life can change in the blink of an eye, and none of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Anytime I think of something, I go to the folder and find the appropriate file, or create a new one. I have three documents of stuff so far, believe it or not!

Update - Good News!

Well, I got a big scare on Thursday 5/18. My oncologist called and asked me to go to the hospital Friday morning for a CAT scan. It freaked me out because we had already scheduled a scan for June 7. I figured he must have seen something freaky with my blood work . So, I went at 7:30 Friday morning and had the scan. I prayed a LOT and just tried to focus on resting and family over the weekend. The time really flew by too, I was a little suprised.

Today at 10:00 I had my results appointment and I was trying really hard not to think of New Year's Eve, 2009. That is the day that I found out the cancer was out of control and I had multiple - I believe they actually said more than they could count - lesions on the right lobe of my liver. I was trying to just put that day out of my head and think positively. So Dr Ryan came in and told me that the scans looked good! My liver is clear and bone mets are stable. I was a little stunned and was waiting for the "but..." but there was no "but..." My tumor marker number went up little last week. It was in the 70s and jumped up to the 90s so he just wanted to get the scan done and see if something was happening. Lots of things play into the tumor marker though. Sometimes when your body is fighing a cold or infection, the number can jump. I’ve also been working out on my elliptical, so I may have inflammed my leg. Sometimes I get a little overzealous on the machine and end up sore. Inflammation can also affect that number.

I had one more chemo left in this cycle, so I went ahead and had it today. In two weeks, I'll start a daily pill (Tamoxifen). Once a month, I'll have intravenous bone strengthening meds (Zometa). Both drugs have cancer fighting qualities, so I'm still on a treatment plan, just not chemo. It's going to be nice to have a break! I'll get my eyelashes back!

I'm also going back to physical therapy. I had the leg surgery over a year ago and I'm still very dependent on the cane. I favor my "good" leg way too much and I've developed terrible habits when I walk and stand. I need help! So in the next week or so, I'll start back in PT and working to walk without help. I'm a little nervous, but more excited than anything. Me and my husband are going to Albany in August to visit his dad. One day during the visit, I'd love to go back down to NYC.. It would be awesome to do it gimp-free. :o)

The power of prayer is an amazing thing. God is the reason for all of this. Without Him, there would be no advanced medicine, oncologists, and researchers trying to find a cure for cancer. I keep praying for His perfect will to be done in my life and to use me in the best possible way as a Christian. Now I just need to listen to Him. I'm still pretty hard-headed and stubborn. I need to remember that His plan may not always be the easiest path. I just need to pray for strength and keep on going!

Scan Results

Well, it turns out that one of my liver lesions decided to stick around. Perhaps the January scan didn't see it (the lesion is small thank God). My oncologist wants to be as cautious as possible. Rather than just putting me on Tamoxifen and watch it, he wants me to do two more rounds of chemo and see if it either shrinks or completely disapperas.

I'm disappointed, but also thankful that I have a serious doctor. I would rather go through six more treaments than to come back in a few months with another January 2010 situation. So I'll weather the treatments and keep on praying. Dr Ryan (my oncologist) wants me to know that this isn't a set back. I'm still improving, tolerating treatment very well, and we are just being safe. It's important to stay either caught up or ahead of this mean disease. He is still very hopeful that in the coming months, I can go on Tamoxifen and get a chemo break. It sure was better than hearing that I'd be in chemo "indefinitely" - that was the news in January 2010. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm very hopeful and know that God is with me no matter what. He walks with me during the good times and carries me through the tough times. Six treatments seems like nothing, considering I've been in chemo since November '09, haha! Honestly, it's really not so bad. They've made lots of improvements with anti-nauasea stuff, so I can still eat lots of good food! :o) If I ever stop eating, that’s when people should worry. I think I’m in the rare group of people that has actually gained weight during all of this!

Is the End (of Chemo) Near?

Last week's chemo could be my last. I'm so happy I could explode. The thought of getting my eyelashes and eyebrows back makes me very happy. I'm also excited about getting normal fingernails and toenails again. Right now I look like that guy from the movie “Powder” and it’s not a good look, haha. I don't really care about my head hair though. I've gotten spoiled not having to straighten and style my hair every day so the wig has been nice! When my hair comes back, I’m keeping it short. I'm trying really hard not to get too excited though. I've seen/heard how mean cancer can be and it always comes back. Some day, whether it's next Tuesday, next year, or five years from now, I'll likely be back in chemo again. BUT, at least there are lots of treatment options available for me. I can't imagine what it would feel like for my doctor to tell me that there is nothing else he can do. He's never come close to saying that. He always points out that if I have a recurrence, there are lots of options. So I keep thinking positive thoughts, praying, and trying to keep my body healthy and ready to fight.

I had a CAT scan today, so I guess that's why emotions are high right now. I'll find out the results on Tuesday 4/12. I've been feeling good and haven't had any new symptoms. In addition, since my liver was declared clear, I've remained in the same treatment. I really doubt I have new growth anywhere. However, the fear is still there and I guess that will never go away.

My leg continues to be a pain in the butt - and back, haha. I'm still on a cane, but I get around pretty good. I'm working in the office almost every day and I go out with my husband and family. Life goes on, and I want it to be as normal as possible. So I just keep going.

Hmm, just keep going. That reminds me of a weird experience I had very early in my journey. Right after the first mammogram, they called me back to take a second look. While I was in the waiting room, I was totally unconcerned and actually felt guilty for sitting among so many sickly women. I felt unworthy to even be in the same room because I was convinced there was nothing wrong with me. Well, an elderly woman was sitting across from me with her daughter. It was obvious that her daughter was a BC survivor because she had what I now have: a bulge on one side and total flatness on the other. The daughter did not talk but her mom told me all about her daughter's experience and how she was back because she had found a lump in her remaining breast. Then she looked directly into my eyes and said, "never never never give up, no matter what..." I looked at her for a second, not really knowing how to respond. After all, I wasn't sick dammit. I was there for a second look, just to be safe. But she meant well, so I smiled and said "thank you very much" and kept smiling. She was sweet, so I didn't want to be dismissive or rude. Several months later after I had the mastectomy, found out that I hadn't caught it in time, and realized I was probably going to die from breast cancer, I thought of that woman. I realized that her daughter never talked to her or even looked to her left to acknowledge her mother's presence. Then I thought, could she have been an angel? Was I the only one who could see her or hear her? I didn't think anything about it at the time, but I've thought a LOT about it over the past year. It gives me great comfort to think of her, whether she was an angel or not. She was right. Never give up!

Wonderful News

I'm still a little high from today's news and the drugs, but I didn't want to wait another minute to post this one. Here is the news I've been waiting to hear for over a year: my liver is clear!! I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest. I couldn't hardly say a word to my doctor though. He was really excited. We were too, but me and my husband pretty much just looked at each other, stunned. It was an awesome stunned feeling - better than last year's stunned feeling when we learned the disease was out of control and had spread to my liver.

Now on to the next steps. I will remain in weekly treatment with the same drugs for the next three months. I'm currenlty on Taxol as the chemo drug, and Zometa to stregthen my bones. My doctor stopped the Avastin when the surgical incision on my leg re-opened. The FDA is pulling Avastin from breast cancer patients anyway, so I wasn't surprised when my doctor said I would probably never go back on it. After three months, I will get scanned again to ensure my bone mets are still stable. Last year I had spots in my femur, spine and lumber, skull, and one of my ribs. Hopefully the mets will continue to improve. If so, I can stop weekly chemo and go on tamoxifen, which is a daily pill.

To be honest, I have mixed emotions about all of this. I am THRILLED to be getting better and I give God top credit for this. I wouldn’t have made it if I didn't have my Christian faith to sustain me. However, going to weekly treatment makes me feel safe too. Once it stops, I'm worried that it will just come back. My kind of cancer may never completely go away. Bone mets can improve and stabilize so they don't spread or get worse, but they may never completely disappear. When I start worrying, I just pray. I also rememeber the words that my oncologist has said even when I was at my very worst. Breast cancer has LOTS of treatment options that can extend my life by several years. I need to remember to live one day at a time and savor every moment, thanking God for all of my blessings.

Happy New Year!

A new year is here and I'm full of hope. Last year was the most challenging, scariest, and best year of my life. That may sound weird, but my eyes are wide open and I'm closer to God than ever. My faith gets stronger every day as God heals my body and dulls my pain.

This year, my only resolution is to live every day like it is my last and thank God for every second of it. Every day is a good day. Maybe the entire day isn't fabulous, but for the most part, it's great and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. Last January I wasn't even sure I would make to my birthday (May), much less live to see another Christmas or January.

I hope that if anyone is reading, I can inspire you just a little to go out and live your life. Don't live in fear or anger. Just ask God to lead you and get out there. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow.