My Cane - Friend and Foe

I got scanned on the 10^th and get results on the 23^rd. Hopefully, I’ll be posting a good update on that day. I’m more emotional at scan time and tend to be a little more defensive. It’s kinda like having PMS haha. My cane is a particularly sore spot for me. I’ve needed assistance walking for over three years now, and I’m used to being on a cane – probably a little too comfortable. I’m terrified of falling or straining my back by penguin walking. So as I build new muscles, I practice walking without my cane for short periods of time, and only around the house. It’s been a long difficult process and I’m working hard, but as the surgeon told me back in October, it’s going to take a long time for muscle to grow around the prosthesis. I’ve been asked questions about it, and I don’t mind talking about it. Generally, most people ask about my cane out of concern, and I appreciate that. I have a few versions of the story – they are all true, but I pick the version that’s most appropriate for the situation/person asking about it.  

·         Story 1: The easiest version - I broke my hip and had hip replacement surgery.

·         Story 2: The medium sized more detailed version that works when story 1 generates questions - I have breast cancer and it spread to my bones and broke my hip, so I had hip replacement surgery.

·         Story 3: Full blown blog style version with all the gory details for the people that really really want to know everything.

I’ve had a few experiences that have made me uncomfortable, such as people I don’t even know asking why I’m on the cane, and then they say stuff like, “Well you should be better by now! It’s been several months…” It’s very tempting to be rude and just say “Hey jerky, cancer ate part of my leg…” but I try to let it roll off my back and move on. The last time I was at the oncologist’s office, an older man sat down next to me and asked what the deal was. So I gave him story number 2. He proceeded to count the time on his fingers and said, “well you should be off that thing by now…” I didn’t know what to say, so I started looking at Facebook on my phone, hopefully giving off the vibe that I was done talking. I just wasn’t in the mood to explain or feel guilty because I’m still gimping around.

I used to put my foot in my mouth all the time. When I was working my way through college waiting tables, I waited on a lady about every other week and she had a cast on her leg from hip to toe. She acted very uncomfortable and needed help getting around. She was pretty young too. So one day, she came in without the cast. I rushed over to her and gushed about how happy I was for her that she finally got rid of that darn cast and commented that she must have had one heck of a fracture. She replied with “I didn’t break my leg, I had to have it amputated…” I was so embarrassed. That experience put the brakes on my big fat mouth for awhile. But what has really cured me of the foot in mouth disease is number one, spending over three years in management at a big company (that’s what I did before I moved to web design), and number two, having cancer. I really watch what I say to people now because you never know what a person is going through, and you have no idea how it feels until you are faced with it.

I do my exercises every morning and every night, seven days a week. It’s hard to be patient, especially when I hear stories about people much older than me having traditional hip replacements, and they are up moving around without assistance within a few months. I’m not minimizing their experience. I think any joint replacement surgery, whether it’s the result of disease or injury, stinks. I don’t wish it on anyone. I admit though, that I have moments of frustration. There are mornings when I wake up and don’t want to do my exercises, wondering what the point is. I make myself do it anyway though. Even though it’s taking a long time to build muscles in my hip, I guess the exercise is helping me in other ways too. Everything I’ve read about cancer and chemo recommends exercise.

I really do believe I’ll be able to walk without assistance someday soon. Me and John are going to Gatlinburg in April, so I’m really hoping I’ll be in good shape by then. I just have to keep pushing and keep praying.