Updates

I haven't posted a health update in awhile. Honestly, sometimes I'm afraid to say good stuff out loud, which is probably silly. I don't believe in "jinxing" myself. So here it goes.

I had a scan in at the end of March and it showed clear organs and stable bone mets. So for 2 full months, I've been on a chemo break. My schedule is full too. I'm catching up on all the things that I couldn't do while in chemo: dental work, more intense physical therapy for my leg, and another mastectomy.

Having my other breast removed was my idea. Although the breast was healthy, let's face it: breasts come in a set. You either have two, or you have none. Back in October 2009, it crossed my mind for about 2 seconds to have them both removed at the same time. However, at the time, things were moving so fast and the situation was pretty dire. In a way, I'm glad I didn't have them both done at the same time. The right breast removal was a radical mastectomy and required more recovery time. It was also my first hospital visit ever, and frankly, it was not fun. I didn't realize that anesthesia made me throw up non-stop, so that coupled with two drain tubes instead of one would have stunk. Plus, mobility in my arms is limited for about two weeks post surgery. It's nice to have at least one good arm. So even though I needed an extra surgery, I guess I don't regret waiting until a few weeks ago to have the left breast removed. I'm going back to work this week, and I'm really excited! I've had my fill of internet, reading, and watching The Cooking Channel. :o)

As far as treatment goes, I'm on Arimidex, a daily pill. I'm also taking Zoladex, a monthly shot. So far, the only side effects are hot flashes. I had those the whole time I was in chemo, so it's not a big deal. However, these two drugs have officially put me into menopause. I've not had a period since Christmas 2009, but knowing that my child bearing days are truly over and I'll never have a biological child bothers me a little. As soon as I knew I had metastatic disease, I realized that I would never have a baby. After more than one hundred chemos, having a baby probably wouldn't have been good for my body anyway. Plus, who knows if the kid would have weird issues, like an extra ear or 6 toes on each foot, haha. I know I'm just being silly, but I have to keeping laughing. It's good therapy.

Still, I can't help but think of something my mom has said many times. She's always been very vocal about how happy she is to have two daughters, which makes me feel good. She always makes it very clear how much she loves me and Cat, and that she would be so lonely without us. Again, I appreciate that my mom loves me so much and I love her too. She has a good heart. But it still makes me wonder - if I live to be an old woman, will I be all alone? I pray every night that God heal my body and use me to do His work. Well, what if He says yes to my prayer and I out live everyone? Do I really want to be the last one standing? My grandmother (mom's mother) was 92 when she died. She was the oldest of 5 kids. She outlived them. She buried her mom, dad, stepmom (who was younger than her), and husband. She outlived at least 3 pastors that she wanted to preach her funeral - she made her funeral plans a looooooong time before she died. I'm sure she had plenty of sad times with all of the losses she experienced, but she was tough.

When I start thinking too much, I just pray and try to remember that God is control, not me. Frankly, I'm glad I'm not in control. It's too much pressure! No matter what happens, I plan to fight until I take my last breath. I'm thankful for every day and try to live my life as normally as possible. God's plan is perfect, so I'm excited about the future, no matter what happens.

Blessings

God always hears and answers our prayers. We just don’t always get the answer we want, when we want it. God’s purpose is not for our instant gratification. His plan is perfect and we are on His timeline. It’s hard to remember that when there are hard times and pain.

When I was first diagnosed, I prayed that I had caught the cancer early. I hadn’t. When I had radiation on my leg and had to be in a wheelchair because of severe inflammation, I prayed every day for the pain to go away. It didn’t. When I prayed that the chemo was working to get the cancer under control, the cancer spread more. When I prayed that physical therapy would get my bad leg back in shape, my leg broke and I needed emergency surgery. After the surgery, I had to go back to chemo immediately, and my largest surgical incision re-opened. I prayed for the incision to close quickly. It stayed open for over a year. During all of this, I developed severely dry eyes and almost went blind in my left eye from a corneal ulcer.

Looking back at all the weirdness and setbacks, I have to remember blessings with each one. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people in chemo. Throughout chemo, I’ve been able to eat anything I want. Having a bad leg has helped me to slow down and learn to depend on others. My eye troubles taught me to get my eyes checked every year, and not to write off symptoms as “just normal side effects.” When my liver had several tumors, I never felt abdominal pain or had abnormal liver panels. While my hip incision was open, I never had an infection. I try to remember all the scary times whenever I feel sorry for myself. God is always with me, no matter what.