Weak Moments and Time to Think

I'm on medical leave from work to recover from the hip surgery, so I've had lots of time on my hands. While that can be a good thing (time to watch favorite shows and movies, pay bills, hold my dog, etc), it can also be a bad thing. I think about everything that can go wrong. What if I get blood clots in my leg because I'm sitting more? What if my length difference comes back for some weird reason? What will I do if the PT doesn't work and I never walk correctly again? What if next month's scan shows new tumors and I have to go back to chemo after almost 6 months of freedom? If I do have to go back to chemo, what if it doesn't work and I die this time? Then I just have to calm down and remember that God is in control. Nobody is guaranteed the next minute, no matter how healthy they are. We have to live for now and appreciate every bit of time we are given.

About three and a half years ago, I was really burnt out at work. I was almost at the point of applying for jobs in totally different fields with other companies, just to get out and have some change. I prayed and asked God, "What is my purpose in life??" It seemed that all I ever did was work, eat, and sleep. All I did during that time was complain about how stressed I was. My family relied on me a lot as well, so one night, in a moment of anger and frustration, I vented to my husband. I said that I would be screwed if I got sick, because I took care of everyone, and nobody would ever step up to help me, and they never helped me anyway. This rant was untrue, but in fits of anger, we often say things that are mean and false. I also joked with a co-worker that a medical leave might be fun if we could choose an easy illness like a broken leg - yes, I actually joked that being on medical leave for a broken leg would be fun. Scary isn't it?

Not long after my angry tirades and multiple jokes about going on medical leave for an "easy" broken leg, I got my breast cancer diagnosis. I never imagined that breast cancer would break my leg and cause 3 years of drama. Things went from bad to worse to horrible in a matter of weeks. By Christmas 2009, I was bedridden and in constant pain. Suddenly, a little work stress or helping a family member didn't seem so bad. All of my independence was gone and I had to rely on someone else for everything, even getting a glass of water. I went from being almost completely independent and in control to being helpless and terrified.

Over the past 3 years, I've learned to focus on the good stuff. If I have a stressful situation in my life or at work, I say a prayer and just do my best. It's so much easier to hand things over to God, rather than stewing over situations that can't be helped. I hate cancer and wish I would have never gotten sick. However, it's been such an eye-opener for me. I feel closer to God now than ever before, and my personal and professional relationships are much more positive. I've also learned to appreciate every little thing, like being able to take a shower without help, and walking to the kitchen to get my own drinks! Trusting in God always pays off. My glass is not half full. It's running over!