God always hears and answers our prayers. We just don’t always get the answer we want, when we want it. God’s purpose is not for our instant gratification. His plan is perfect and we are on His timeline. It’s hard to remember that when there are hard times and pain.
When I was first diagnosed, I prayed that I had caught the cancer early. I hadn’t. When I had radiation on my leg and had to be in a wheelchair because of severe inflammation, I prayed every day for the pain to go away. It didn’t. When I prayed that the chemo was working to get the cancer under control, the cancer spread more. When I prayed that physical therapy would get my bad leg back in shape, my leg broke and I needed emergency surgery. After the surgery, I had to go back to chemo immediately, and my largest surgical incision re-opened. I prayed for the incision to close quickly. It stayed open for over a year. During all of this, I developed severely dry eyes and almost went blind in my left eye from a corneal ulcer.
Looking back at all the weirdness and setbacks, I have to remember blessings with each one. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people in chemo. Throughout chemo, I’ve been able to eat anything I want. Having a bad leg has helped me to slow down and learn to depend on others. My eye troubles taught me to get my eyes checked every year, and not to write off symptoms as “just normal side effects.” When my liver had several tumors, I never felt abdominal pain or had abnormal liver panels. While my hip incision was open, I never had an infection. I try to remember all the scary times whenever I feel sorry for myself. God is always with me, no matter what.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Good News
I had a scan at the end of January and got the results last week. My organs look great, including my liver. Everything was "unremarkable" and "clear." Very good words in scan world. Last year, my liver was clear for the most part. It seemed that every other scan, one of the liver lesions would show its ugly head again. But this time, I got the all clear! Of course I still have bone mets and probably always will. But the bone mets that the scan could see are stable.
My doctor wants me to stay in chemo until my next set of scans (probably end of March or April) because my tumor marker number keeps going up. Thankfully in January, it only increased from 163 to 166. So I'm hoping that the next few months of chemo will make it fall. However, if my next scans look as good as January's, we are going to talk about taking a chemo break. Yay!
My doctor wants me to stay in chemo until my next set of scans (probably end of March or April) because my tumor marker number keeps going up. Thankfully in January, it only increased from 163 to 166. So I'm hoping that the next few months of chemo will make it fall. However, if my next scans look as good as January's, we are going to talk about taking a chemo break. Yay!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My Vitamix
All of my friends, family, and co-workers have been subjected to my dramatic and energetic raves about my Vitamix. All you have to do is mention it to me, and I will start talking non-stop about how the Vitamix changed my life.
The Vitamix is a kitchen appliance that looks like a blender. However, it's so much more than just a blender. It can crush a whole container of ice in 3 seconds. It can make smoothies, soups, dressings, milks (from nuts, rice, sesame seeds, etc), nut butters, hummus, and flours from grains.
Before my cancer diagnosis, I never struggled with health issues or weight problems. I ate anything and everything that is gross and bad for you. If the food was drenched in gravy or butter, I would eat it. I hated most vegetables and refused to even try new food that might be good for me. Shortly after my diagnosis when things seemed to get worse, I continued to eat badly. As hopeful as I was trying to be, I honestly thought I would die soon, so I ate whatever I wanted. After I broke my leg and had surgery, my health started to improve. I decided that it was time to make some major changes in my diet.
I found the Vitamix ad by accident in one of my food magazines, and I was instantly intrigued. The $500+ price tag was not attractive though. I wouldn't even consider spending that much money so I put the idea of buying one out of my head. A few months passed and I was struggling through trying to get my daily required fruits and veggies. In fact, I was failing miserably. I desperately wanted to do better, but I just felt overwhelmed. So I went back to the Vitamix website and bought the machine. After all, I pay good money for Clinique skin care and Bare Minerals makeup. Why not buy a machine that is going to help me make healthier meals for me and my husband?
After the machine arrived, I read the instruction manual, watched the DVD, and scanned the cookbook that came with it. I tried something easy first: a strawberry smoothie. I was amazed at how quickly the blender processed all the ingredients; it even pulverized the little seeds on the strawberries! I drank the smoothie and loved it. After that, I decided to move on to veggies. I got brave and tried a "green smoothie" with bananas, pineapples, and spinach. Much to my delight, I couldn't even taste the spinach.
After a few months of fruit smoothies with "hidden" veggies, I decided to try soup. I've read that broccoli is a cancer fighter, so I tried a broccoli soup recipe. I steamed a head of broccoli for 8 minutes, and then placed it in the machine. Then I added chicken broth, cheese, and a little milk. I was a little squeamish at first, but I loved it!
I've had my Vitamix almost a year, and here is the best part about it. Although I still drink my smoothies every day, I actually crave whole veggies now. I still like to make my broccoli soup, but now I can eat steamed broccoli straight up. Tonight, I made kale salad and ate two helpings! I don't feel like I have to "hide" the veggies as much as I used to. If someone had told me a few years ago that I would be eating more fruits and veggies and less nasty food, I would have laughed out loud. The bottom line is, if I can do it, anyone can do it. I was the ultimate junk food junkie. I don't have a doubt that better eating habits have helped me tolerate the chemo better, and given my immune system a boost.
If you want to buy a Vitamix, I would recommend buying one from their website (www.vitamix.com) so you can have the full warranty, just in case something goes wrong. Mine performs just as good today as it did on the first day I got it, but you never know. Also be sure to use code 06-007846 to get free shipping (a $25 value).
The Vitamix is a kitchen appliance that looks like a blender. However, it's so much more than just a blender. It can crush a whole container of ice in 3 seconds. It can make smoothies, soups, dressings, milks (from nuts, rice, sesame seeds, etc), nut butters, hummus, and flours from grains.
Before my cancer diagnosis, I never struggled with health issues or weight problems. I ate anything and everything that is gross and bad for you. If the food was drenched in gravy or butter, I would eat it. I hated most vegetables and refused to even try new food that might be good for me. Shortly after my diagnosis when things seemed to get worse, I continued to eat badly. As hopeful as I was trying to be, I honestly thought I would die soon, so I ate whatever I wanted. After I broke my leg and had surgery, my health started to improve. I decided that it was time to make some major changes in my diet.
I found the Vitamix ad by accident in one of my food magazines, and I was instantly intrigued. The $500+ price tag was not attractive though. I wouldn't even consider spending that much money so I put the idea of buying one out of my head. A few months passed and I was struggling through trying to get my daily required fruits and veggies. In fact, I was failing miserably. I desperately wanted to do better, but I just felt overwhelmed. So I went back to the Vitamix website and bought the machine. After all, I pay good money for Clinique skin care and Bare Minerals makeup. Why not buy a machine that is going to help me make healthier meals for me and my husband?
After the machine arrived, I read the instruction manual, watched the DVD, and scanned the cookbook that came with it. I tried something easy first: a strawberry smoothie. I was amazed at how quickly the blender processed all the ingredients; it even pulverized the little seeds on the strawberries! I drank the smoothie and loved it. After that, I decided to move on to veggies. I got brave and tried a "green smoothie" with bananas, pineapples, and spinach. Much to my delight, I couldn't even taste the spinach.
After a few months of fruit smoothies with "hidden" veggies, I decided to try soup. I've read that broccoli is a cancer fighter, so I tried a broccoli soup recipe. I steamed a head of broccoli for 8 minutes, and then placed it in the machine. Then I added chicken broth, cheese, and a little milk. I was a little squeamish at first, but I loved it!
I've had my Vitamix almost a year, and here is the best part about it. Although I still drink my smoothies every day, I actually crave whole veggies now. I still like to make my broccoli soup, but now I can eat steamed broccoli straight up. Tonight, I made kale salad and ate two helpings! I don't feel like I have to "hide" the veggies as much as I used to. If someone had told me a few years ago that I would be eating more fruits and veggies and less nasty food, I would have laughed out loud. The bottom line is, if I can do it, anyone can do it. I was the ultimate junk food junkie. I don't have a doubt that better eating habits have helped me tolerate the chemo better, and given my immune system a boost.
If you want to buy a Vitamix, I would recommend buying one from their website (www.vitamix.com) so you can have the full warranty, just in case something goes wrong. Mine performs just as good today as it did on the first day I got it, but you never know. Also be sure to use code 06-007846 to get free shipping (a $25 value).
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Tips for People in Chemo
I’m a huge proponent of modern medicine. While I think that it’s a miracle from God that I’m still alive and feeling good, I also believe that God is the reason we have doctors, researchers, and drugs that work, and He wants us to take advantage of them. When I say my prayers, I pray for the doctors and scientists out there looking for a cure for cancer and other devastating diseases.
When people think of chemo, usually the first two things that come to mind are baldness and nausea. Losing hair and feeling nauseated come with the territory, but there are lots of other weird side effects of chemotherapy. I’ve been in treatment for over two years now, minus a three month break in Summer 2011, and there are things that I’ve seen and felt that I never imagined would happen.
Here are some things that I have done that have really helped me get through chemo. I’ve been very blessed with good health throughout my treatment. Since I started chemo, I’ve been in the hospital once, and that was for my leg surgery. I think that some of the habits I practice below have played a big part in why I’ve stayed healthy. I hope this helps anyone out there who may be struggling through treatment.
Drink, drink, drink.
The best things to drink are filtered water, decaf hot tea (green tea is best), unsweetened iced tea, and 1% or skim milk (I can’t take skim, but 1% is pretty good). I always keep my favorite “fizzy” drink on hand too – I like Coke. I try not to drink more than 8 ounces of Coke a day because of all the sugar. I like coffee with cream too, but I try to keep it down to two cups in the morning. It’s important to drink LOTS liquid because even though chemo works and I’m thrilled that it’s available to me, it’s still poison. You need to keep your system flushed out. It also helps your skin, which can get very dry during treatment.
I try to drink more water than anything, but sometimes, it can be tough when I’m nauseated. Lemons can help the water taste better and settle on my stomach easier. If you don’t eat lemons fast enough to keep fresh ones, you can buy a product called “True Lemon.” It’s dehydrated lemon powder with no sweetener. It tastes just like a fresh lemon in your water. Some people actually prefer this over fresh lemons, especially in restaurants where you aren’t sure where the lemons have been before they touch your glass. You can find “True Lemon” on discountcoffee.com or amazon.com.
Eat, eat eat.
Again, this is challenge sometimes. I went through a period when my whole mouth felt like it had been shaved. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I was sensitive to heat, spices, and worst of all, Coke! Even minty gum was about impossible. Even if all you can stand is a bowl of cereal, eat it several times a day to sustain yourself. I lived on scrambled eggs and soup for awhile when I struggled with mouth sensitivity. I love Campbell’s soup. Some criticize the salt content in it, but sometimes salty stuff can really curb nausea. Just experiment and don’t give up! There is something out there for everyone.
Wash!
Of course it’s a no-brainer to keep your hands clean. However, cleanliness should be a whole body experience. I take a shower every night before bed time. I don’t care if I’m nauseated, or if my leg is acting up. I drag my tired butt to the shower every night and lather up from head to toe. It’s especially important to wash the skin over your port if you have one, especially on chemo day when it’s been accessed. While it’s completely under your skin, I still think it’s important to keep that area clean.
I also moisturize from head to toe when I’m finished in the shower. This is difficult on evenings when I’m really tired, but so worth it. Chemo has made me dry all over , skin, eyes, nose, throat, everything. So moisturizing is very important, even though it takes more time.
Ask questions.
When I went through the mouth trouble, I just assumed that I would have to live with it, so ate a lot of popsicles and drank mild cold drinks like tea. However, when I mentioned the issue to my oncologist, he prescribed something called “magic mouthwash.” This prescription has 5-6 ingredients and is compounded fresh at the pharmacy. I know for sure that my formula had Maalox and a little Benedryl in it. I’m not sure what else was in it, but I could take a drink of it and then eat Indian food afterwards. Good stuff.
Another yucky side effect I’ve had is ugly finger and toe nails. One of the nurse practitioners recommended brushing tea tree oil on my nails. It whitened them up a bit and while they still don’t look great, they are better than they were. You can find this at GNC or Sally beauty supply stores. I’m sure Wal-Mart has it too. Wal-Mart has everything!
I’ve also struggled with sensitivity to band-aid adhesives. Once I pulled a bandaid off of an injured finger and the skin came off with it. A nurse introduced me to wipes called “Skin Prep” (can be found on Amazon.com). You wipe over the area of skin that will have tape on it, and the bandages and tape peel off very easily, leaving your skin irritation-free.
Be nice.
Keep in mind that you will see your doctor, nurses, and admin assistants a LOT. The experience is so much easier when you are nice. There have been times when I’ve had to wait a long time, especially at treatment. But treatment isn’t just walking into the cancer center and getting my drugs. They have to take my blood, send it to the hospital lab to ensure my counts are good enough to get chemo. After my blood work comes back, they fax the results to my oncologist across the street. He has to sign an “ok to treat” and send it back to the cancer center. So my appointment may be at 1:00, but actual “treatment” may not start until after 2:00. A lot of it is a waiting game, so you have to be patient. Cancer is the scariest, worst thing I’ve ever faced, but it doesn’t give me the right to be an asshole to anyone. The nicer I am, the better my experience is.
Be a warrior.
This may make you eye-roll, but I’m almost euphoric on chemo days. Before each treatment I say a prayer and ask God to bless the meds as they go into my body so they will kill the evil cancer. Then I ask Him to bless my body so it can accept all the meds. I try to go into each treatment (73 chemos and counting) with the attitude that it’s killing my cancer and that I will not let cancer take me. I think that my Christian faith has gotten me through this. Without God, I wouldn’t still be alive. I would either be dead, or want to be dead by now.
There are times when I have to make myself think positively, but I think that a good attitude goes a LONG way. You have to believe almost to the point of delusion that you are going to get better. I read all the stats from the American Cancer Society about stage iv breast cancer and they are not good. After reading it carefully, I threw that shit in the trash. No need to dwell on what could happen. I have to focus on what’s happening right now.
If your doctor is not encouraging enough, dump him/her. My oncologist has never told me I’m going to die, and he’s never given me the “You have _____ months to live…” speech, even when things were really bad. I don’t have an expiration date. God is in control and none of us is guaranteed tomorrow, no matter how healthy or careful we are.
When people think of chemo, usually the first two things that come to mind are baldness and nausea. Losing hair and feeling nauseated come with the territory, but there are lots of other weird side effects of chemotherapy. I’ve been in treatment for over two years now, minus a three month break in Summer 2011, and there are things that I’ve seen and felt that I never imagined would happen.
Here are some things that I have done that have really helped me get through chemo. I’ve been very blessed with good health throughout my treatment. Since I started chemo, I’ve been in the hospital once, and that was for my leg surgery. I think that some of the habits I practice below have played a big part in why I’ve stayed healthy. I hope this helps anyone out there who may be struggling through treatment.
Drink, drink, drink.
The best things to drink are filtered water, decaf hot tea (green tea is best), unsweetened iced tea, and 1% or skim milk (I can’t take skim, but 1% is pretty good). I always keep my favorite “fizzy” drink on hand too – I like Coke. I try not to drink more than 8 ounces of Coke a day because of all the sugar. I like coffee with cream too, but I try to keep it down to two cups in the morning. It’s important to drink LOTS liquid because even though chemo works and I’m thrilled that it’s available to me, it’s still poison. You need to keep your system flushed out. It also helps your skin, which can get very dry during treatment.
I try to drink more water than anything, but sometimes, it can be tough when I’m nauseated. Lemons can help the water taste better and settle on my stomach easier. If you don’t eat lemons fast enough to keep fresh ones, you can buy a product called “True Lemon.” It’s dehydrated lemon powder with no sweetener. It tastes just like a fresh lemon in your water. Some people actually prefer this over fresh lemons, especially in restaurants where you aren’t sure where the lemons have been before they touch your glass. You can find “True Lemon” on discountcoffee.com or amazon.com.
Eat, eat eat.
Again, this is challenge sometimes. I went through a period when my whole mouth felt like it had been shaved. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I was sensitive to heat, spices, and worst of all, Coke! Even minty gum was about impossible. Even if all you can stand is a bowl of cereal, eat it several times a day to sustain yourself. I lived on scrambled eggs and soup for awhile when I struggled with mouth sensitivity. I love Campbell’s soup. Some criticize the salt content in it, but sometimes salty stuff can really curb nausea. Just experiment and don’t give up! There is something out there for everyone.
Wash!
Of course it’s a no-brainer to keep your hands clean. However, cleanliness should be a whole body experience. I take a shower every night before bed time. I don’t care if I’m nauseated, or if my leg is acting up. I drag my tired butt to the shower every night and lather up from head to toe. It’s especially important to wash the skin over your port if you have one, especially on chemo day when it’s been accessed. While it’s completely under your skin, I still think it’s important to keep that area clean.
I also moisturize from head to toe when I’m finished in the shower. This is difficult on evenings when I’m really tired, but so worth it. Chemo has made me dry all over , skin, eyes, nose, throat, everything. So moisturizing is very important, even though it takes more time.
Ask questions.
When I went through the mouth trouble, I just assumed that I would have to live with it, so ate a lot of popsicles and drank mild cold drinks like tea. However, when I mentioned the issue to my oncologist, he prescribed something called “magic mouthwash.” This prescription has 5-6 ingredients and is compounded fresh at the pharmacy. I know for sure that my formula had Maalox and a little Benedryl in it. I’m not sure what else was in it, but I could take a drink of it and then eat Indian food afterwards. Good stuff.
Another yucky side effect I’ve had is ugly finger and toe nails. One of the nurse practitioners recommended brushing tea tree oil on my nails. It whitened them up a bit and while they still don’t look great, they are better than they were. You can find this at GNC or Sally beauty supply stores. I’m sure Wal-Mart has it too. Wal-Mart has everything!
I’ve also struggled with sensitivity to band-aid adhesives. Once I pulled a bandaid off of an injured finger and the skin came off with it. A nurse introduced me to wipes called “Skin Prep” (can be found on Amazon.com). You wipe over the area of skin that will have tape on it, and the bandages and tape peel off very easily, leaving your skin irritation-free.
Be nice.
Keep in mind that you will see your doctor, nurses, and admin assistants a LOT. The experience is so much easier when you are nice. There have been times when I’ve had to wait a long time, especially at treatment. But treatment isn’t just walking into the cancer center and getting my drugs. They have to take my blood, send it to the hospital lab to ensure my counts are good enough to get chemo. After my blood work comes back, they fax the results to my oncologist across the street. He has to sign an “ok to treat” and send it back to the cancer center. So my appointment may be at 1:00, but actual “treatment” may not start until after 2:00. A lot of it is a waiting game, so you have to be patient. Cancer is the scariest, worst thing I’ve ever faced, but it doesn’t give me the right to be an asshole to anyone. The nicer I am, the better my experience is.
Be a warrior.
This may make you eye-roll, but I’m almost euphoric on chemo days. Before each treatment I say a prayer and ask God to bless the meds as they go into my body so they will kill the evil cancer. Then I ask Him to bless my body so it can accept all the meds. I try to go into each treatment (73 chemos and counting) with the attitude that it’s killing my cancer and that I will not let cancer take me. I think that my Christian faith has gotten me through this. Without God, I wouldn’t still be alive. I would either be dead, or want to be dead by now.
There are times when I have to make myself think positively, but I think that a good attitude goes a LONG way. You have to believe almost to the point of delusion that you are going to get better. I read all the stats from the American Cancer Society about stage iv breast cancer and they are not good. After reading it carefully, I threw that shit in the trash. No need to dwell on what could happen. I have to focus on what’s happening right now.
If your doctor is not encouraging enough, dump him/her. My oncologist has never told me I’m going to die, and he’s never given me the “You have _____ months to live…” speech, even when things were really bad. I don’t have an expiration date. God is in control and none of us is guaranteed tomorrow, no matter how healthy or careful we are.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Look Out, Victoria's Secret!
I’ve loved Victoria’s Secret bras for about 15 years. I never bought the frilly, fancy, lacey bras, just the practical “Body by Victoria” and t-shirt bras. When I got my diagnosis, I was worried about what kind of bras I would have to wear after surgery. I quickly learned I had every reason to worry. The ladies at the prosthesis office here in Bristol are wonderful, so this is not an insult to them. The actual bras are the problem. I was an average B cup, and I NEVER saw a regular B cup bra with more than two hooks. One of my mastectomy bras has FIVE hooks, no lie. Some of the bras also have huge seams in the middle of the cups that can be seen through shirts. These bras are very uncomfortable and not attractive.
Last October and the October before that, I wrote to Victoria’s Secret. I thought that by writing to them during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it might get more attention. The first email I sent was to suggest that they make bras with “pockets” or panels in the cups. I think this is a very reasonable request because lots of women with A cup breasts like a little lift and extra volume. Bras that have pockets/panels in the cups would enable small women to insert extra padding. It could also accommodate women like me. Well, I got no response. I received an automated “we will get back to you within 24 hours with a response…” and nothing. This year, I tried again. Instead of making a suggestion, I just asked if they made bras with pockets/panels such as the “Miracle Bra,” which has a product description of “extra padding to provide lift…” In my email inquiry, I explained my situation, and I even suggested sewing cotton panels into my existing VS bras. I received a stiff, “sorry we don’t make surgical bras, but why not give our gel adhesives a try?” Um, gel adhesives? Really?
I’m not a master seamstress, but I’m going to pull out handheld Singer sewing tool and make my own mastectomy bras from my old VS bras. Then, I’m going to contact VS again, not to make a suggestion or ask them to help me, but to tell them to kiss my butt. Perhaps I’ll be able to give myself back the bras that I love and maybe even help another BC survivor that’s been through bra hell.
Last October and the October before that, I wrote to Victoria’s Secret. I thought that by writing to them during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it might get more attention. The first email I sent was to suggest that they make bras with “pockets” or panels in the cups. I think this is a very reasonable request because lots of women with A cup breasts like a little lift and extra volume. Bras that have pockets/panels in the cups would enable small women to insert extra padding. It could also accommodate women like me. Well, I got no response. I received an automated “we will get back to you within 24 hours with a response…” and nothing. This year, I tried again. Instead of making a suggestion, I just asked if they made bras with pockets/panels such as the “Miracle Bra,” which has a product description of “extra padding to provide lift…” In my email inquiry, I explained my situation, and I even suggested sewing cotton panels into my existing VS bras. I received a stiff, “sorry we don’t make surgical bras, but why not give our gel adhesives a try?” Um, gel adhesives? Really?
I’m not a master seamstress, but I’m going to pull out handheld Singer sewing tool and make my own mastectomy bras from my old VS bras. Then, I’m going to contact VS again, not to make a suggestion or ask them to help me, but to tell them to kiss my butt. Perhaps I’ll be able to give myself back the bras that I love and maybe even help another BC survivor that’s been through bra hell.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Two Years Ago Today...
Two years ago today, I had the mastectomy. Some people mark their diagnosis date, but I was pretty numb that day. I wasn't even upset on my diagnosis day (10/19/09). Breast cancer research gets tons of funding, lots of female celebrities have battled it, and I love pink. I thought I would just have a mastectomy do the "cautionary" round of chemo, and be done. I remember thinking that it was almost trendy, and I'd be back to work two weeks after the surgery, no biggie. Boy, was I in for a surprise.
Before the surgery, I'd never been in the hospital. I'd been to the emergency room twice for stitches, and the sickest I'd ever been was with chicken pox when I was five. We had to be at the hospital at 5 AM. We got checked in and I had to get completely undressed. I was not happy - I couldn't even wear my underwear. When they finally wheeled me off to surgery, I kissed my husband and said a silent prayer that everything would go okay.
When I woke up, I felt really hung over. I couldn't see or feel anything on my chest. It was all bandaged and numb. Then I found a drainage tube that was stitched in to my underarm - another big surprise! And I had to go home with it and wear it for a week!! Gross. The longer I laid in my hospital bed, the more nauseated I got. They gave me crackers and ginger ale, but my mouth was so dry, the crackers turned to stone. Less than an hour later, I was throwing up non-stop. The surgeon ordered some anti-nausea meds and they decided to keep me overnight. My sister said my skin looked gray.
The next day, a volunteer for Reach for Recovery came to visit me. I had asked for a visit before my surgery because I was really ignorant about what I would need post-surgery. She was so nice and she had been through it as well, so she knew what she was talking about. She gave me a bag with all kinds of helpful items such as a tie on apron-like thing to hold my drain. She also gave me a make-shift prosthetic to tide me over until I could get to the breast prosthesis office. That visit was a real blessing for me.
Before we left the hospital, a nurse came in and showed John how he could help me change my gauze. She wasn't hateful, but not very warm either. She untied my gown and ripped off the old gauze before I could even protest. John saw the incision before I could even try to cover myself. He didn't even react. I don't know what was going through his mind, but I was humiliated. I'm not sure why. I can out-burp and out-fart him any day of the week. When I had my last wisdom tooth cut out, I threw up all over his new car. He's never acted grossed out or turned off by me, even when he had every right to feel that way, haha!
When we got home, I was still feeling a little weak and woozy. I was dying to take a shower, so John stood guard in case I started feeling like I might fall. In the shower, I had to tape the drain tube's little bag to my chest because I was afraid to let it hang. It was loosely stitched in, but I was scared it would fall out. I didn't realize how deep it was in until the surgeon pulled it out a week later. That really hurt!!
My journey was just beginning and I was scared, but so ignorant and naive. I really thought I had caught it in time, even though my leg had been hurting for a month. I just couldn't fathom how cancer in my right breast could have spread to my left leg. Besides, I had done everything right. I found the lump, I scheduled an appt with my OB/GYN, I went for the mammogram. So of course I had caught it in time.
Two years later, I know more about breast cancer than I ever wanted to know. Even though it's been a tough journey and it probably will always be challenging, I really like how it's changed my life. I'm closer to God than I ever was before. I don't take the little things too seriously anymore. I know what's important in life now, and I thank God every day for giving me another day. I wouldn't trade the past two years for anything.
Before the surgery, I'd never been in the hospital. I'd been to the emergency room twice for stitches, and the sickest I'd ever been was with chicken pox when I was five. We had to be at the hospital at 5 AM. We got checked in and I had to get completely undressed. I was not happy - I couldn't even wear my underwear. When they finally wheeled me off to surgery, I kissed my husband and said a silent prayer that everything would go okay.
When I woke up, I felt really hung over. I couldn't see or feel anything on my chest. It was all bandaged and numb. Then I found a drainage tube that was stitched in to my underarm - another big surprise! And I had to go home with it and wear it for a week!! Gross. The longer I laid in my hospital bed, the more nauseated I got. They gave me crackers and ginger ale, but my mouth was so dry, the crackers turned to stone. Less than an hour later, I was throwing up non-stop. The surgeon ordered some anti-nausea meds and they decided to keep me overnight. My sister said my skin looked gray.
The next day, a volunteer for Reach for Recovery came to visit me. I had asked for a visit before my surgery because I was really ignorant about what I would need post-surgery. She was so nice and she had been through it as well, so she knew what she was talking about. She gave me a bag with all kinds of helpful items such as a tie on apron-like thing to hold my drain. She also gave me a make-shift prosthetic to tide me over until I could get to the breast prosthesis office. That visit was a real blessing for me.
Before we left the hospital, a nurse came in and showed John how he could help me change my gauze. She wasn't hateful, but not very warm either. She untied my gown and ripped off the old gauze before I could even protest. John saw the incision before I could even try to cover myself. He didn't even react. I don't know what was going through his mind, but I was humiliated. I'm not sure why. I can out-burp and out-fart him any day of the week. When I had my last wisdom tooth cut out, I threw up all over his new car. He's never acted grossed out or turned off by me, even when he had every right to feel that way, haha!
When we got home, I was still feeling a little weak and woozy. I was dying to take a shower, so John stood guard in case I started feeling like I might fall. In the shower, I had to tape the drain tube's little bag to my chest because I was afraid to let it hang. It was loosely stitched in, but I was scared it would fall out. I didn't realize how deep it was in until the surgeon pulled it out a week later. That really hurt!!
My journey was just beginning and I was scared, but so ignorant and naive. I really thought I had caught it in time, even though my leg had been hurting for a month. I just couldn't fathom how cancer in my right breast could have spread to my left leg. Besides, I had done everything right. I found the lump, I scheduled an appt with my OB/GYN, I went for the mammogram. So of course I had caught it in time.
Two years later, I know more about breast cancer than I ever wanted to know. Even though it's been a tough journey and it probably will always be challenging, I really like how it's changed my life. I'm closer to God than I ever was before. I don't take the little things too seriously anymore. I know what's important in life now, and I thank God every day for giving me another day. I wouldn't trade the past two years for anything.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
My Family
I blogged about my husband last night. Tonight I'm going to blog about my family. My family is tiny, but we are super close and I'm so thankful for that.
My Sister Cat:
From birth, I've been mega close to my older sister Cat. She's definitely my best friend in the world, and I would be so lost without her. I thank my parents for instilling in both of us the importance of being good to each other, and being there for each other. We fought and argued some over the years, especially after I got old enough to make bad decisions that I knew Cat didn't agree with, haha. But overall, we've been super close. I can tell her anything. My husband is in court almost every day, so he isn't able to go to the oncologist or to chemo with me very much. My sister was with me when I got my diagnosis and learned I would need a mastectomy, then again when I learned that I hadn't caught the cancer in time. She was with me when I went to the orthopedic surgeon and learned that I would need leg surgery. I called her first when we found out that my cancer had spread again. I'm sure it killed her to hear all the bad news, but she was positive and strong through all of it. We always find a way to laugh through anything. One evening when I was in the wheelchair and feeling my worst, Cat came over and we downloaded ringtones for our phones together. We laughed until we cried. It felt so good to laugh! Cat always comes through for me. I hope we will be joking and laughing when we are in our eighties!
My Dad:
I've always been a daddy's girl. I know he loves Cat just as much, but me and dad always had a special bond. We are also very much alike, so we understand each other. Telling my parents I had breast cancer was so painful. It was harder than telling my husband. I'm the younger child, so I think they still see me as a 5 year old girl. My dad has felt pretty helpless during all of this drama, so whenever he can, he goes to the doctor and to chemo with me. So far, I've had about 60 chemo treatments and dad has gone with me to at least 50 of them. I know it's hard for him to see me sick, but he tries to make the experience more fun. At treatment, we always eat and talk, and I tell him gossip about people we both know, haha. It really makes the treatment go by much faster! Dad is very special to me, and the older he gets, the more he reminds me of his dad, who I also adored. I hope he's around for a long time, and I hope that I can stick around and be there for him when he needs me.
My Mom:
My mom always told me that I came to her at the perfect time. Her dad was dying when she found out she was pregnant with me. She was really close to her dad, so she was heartbroken knowing she was going to lose him. She said that at his funeral, she felt me move for the first time. Being pregnant gave her something to look forward to and something positive to focus on, rather than wallow in grief over her dad's death. She has taken my illness really hard. She hasn't been able to go to any doctor or chemo appointments with me. When I had my leg surgery last year, she couldn't see me in the hospital. She made it to the lobby, but then she had to stop. I don't know what it's like to be a mom, but I can't imagine how she feels now. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her though. She may not be able to go to the hospital or to doc appointments, but she always listens to me when I talk. I can talk to her about dying and being afraid to die sometimes. I can't talk to dad or my husband about that because they get too upset. I can tell my sister anything, but I've found that mom is my favorite to talk to about my faith, prayer, and my fears. Mom is also fearless about gross stuff. She's cleaned up my vomit and she even held a bed pan under me when I was hurting too bad to walk from my bed to the toilet. Now that is true love!!
My brother-in-law Anthony, my nephew Daniel, and my niece Emma:
Anthony has always been a good friend to me. When I got divorced from my first husband, Anthony was the only one in the family that had been through it. The rest of my family just didn't understand. They tried to be supportive, but Anthony knew how I felt. He moved all of my furniture out of my house and into my new apartment and he took up for me when my parents gave me a hard time for leaving my house with the ex behind. After my diagnosis, he even went with me to a few chemo appointments. His mom also fought breast cancer (and won!!) so he could relate to my feelings about being sick too. I'm glad that he married my sister and I consider him a true brother, not just an in-law.
Daniel is getting ready to turn 12. It's hard to believe because I remember holding him in the hospital on the day he was born. Now, he can almost pick me up! Daniel is such a sweet and sensitive boy. He's always ready to give me hug, no matter what's going on or where we are. I adore him. He knows all about my illness and that I could die. Last year he wrote a paper for a school assignment titled My Greatest Wish, and his greatest wish was to have a cure for cancer for me. I carry it in my purse. Cat says he doesn't like to talk about it much though.
Emma is 5 and she's so full of spirit. She was only 3 when I was diagnosed, but when I lost all my hair and was in the wheelchair, she asked me if I was going to die. I just said, "not today!" and she was satisfied with that. For her age, she's really handled this well. She doesn't freak out when she sees me without my wig, and the cane doesn't seem to bother her either. She likes to use it as a play microphone, haha.
I pray every night that I live long enough to see the kids grow up. They are so precious to me.
I have other family, but they are spread out all over the country. My parents and my sister and her family are the only close family I have, but they are very special to me. I'm so thankful to have them!
My Sister Cat:
From birth, I've been mega close to my older sister Cat. She's definitely my best friend in the world, and I would be so lost without her. I thank my parents for instilling in both of us the importance of being good to each other, and being there for each other. We fought and argued some over the years, especially after I got old enough to make bad decisions that I knew Cat didn't agree with, haha. But overall, we've been super close. I can tell her anything. My husband is in court almost every day, so he isn't able to go to the oncologist or to chemo with me very much. My sister was with me when I got my diagnosis and learned I would need a mastectomy, then again when I learned that I hadn't caught the cancer in time. She was with me when I went to the orthopedic surgeon and learned that I would need leg surgery. I called her first when we found out that my cancer had spread again. I'm sure it killed her to hear all the bad news, but she was positive and strong through all of it. We always find a way to laugh through anything. One evening when I was in the wheelchair and feeling my worst, Cat came over and we downloaded ringtones for our phones together. We laughed until we cried. It felt so good to laugh! Cat always comes through for me. I hope we will be joking and laughing when we are in our eighties!
My Dad:
I've always been a daddy's girl. I know he loves Cat just as much, but me and dad always had a special bond. We are also very much alike, so we understand each other. Telling my parents I had breast cancer was so painful. It was harder than telling my husband. I'm the younger child, so I think they still see me as a 5 year old girl. My dad has felt pretty helpless during all of this drama, so whenever he can, he goes to the doctor and to chemo with me. So far, I've had about 60 chemo treatments and dad has gone with me to at least 50 of them. I know it's hard for him to see me sick, but he tries to make the experience more fun. At treatment, we always eat and talk, and I tell him gossip about people we both know, haha. It really makes the treatment go by much faster! Dad is very special to me, and the older he gets, the more he reminds me of his dad, who I also adored. I hope he's around for a long time, and I hope that I can stick around and be there for him when he needs me.
My Mom:
My mom always told me that I came to her at the perfect time. Her dad was dying when she found out she was pregnant with me. She was really close to her dad, so she was heartbroken knowing she was going to lose him. She said that at his funeral, she felt me move for the first time. Being pregnant gave her something to look forward to and something positive to focus on, rather than wallow in grief over her dad's death. She has taken my illness really hard. She hasn't been able to go to any doctor or chemo appointments with me. When I had my leg surgery last year, she couldn't see me in the hospital. She made it to the lobby, but then she had to stop. I don't know what it's like to be a mom, but I can't imagine how she feels now. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her though. She may not be able to go to the hospital or to doc appointments, but she always listens to me when I talk. I can talk to her about dying and being afraid to die sometimes. I can't talk to dad or my husband about that because they get too upset. I can tell my sister anything, but I've found that mom is my favorite to talk to about my faith, prayer, and my fears. Mom is also fearless about gross stuff. She's cleaned up my vomit and she even held a bed pan under me when I was hurting too bad to walk from my bed to the toilet. Now that is true love!!
My brother-in-law Anthony, my nephew Daniel, and my niece Emma:
Anthony has always been a good friend to me. When I got divorced from my first husband, Anthony was the only one in the family that had been through it. The rest of my family just didn't understand. They tried to be supportive, but Anthony knew how I felt. He moved all of my furniture out of my house and into my new apartment and he took up for me when my parents gave me a hard time for leaving my house with the ex behind. After my diagnosis, he even went with me to a few chemo appointments. His mom also fought breast cancer (and won!!) so he could relate to my feelings about being sick too. I'm glad that he married my sister and I consider him a true brother, not just an in-law.
Daniel is getting ready to turn 12. It's hard to believe because I remember holding him in the hospital on the day he was born. Now, he can almost pick me up! Daniel is such a sweet and sensitive boy. He's always ready to give me hug, no matter what's going on or where we are. I adore him. He knows all about my illness and that I could die. Last year he wrote a paper for a school assignment titled My Greatest Wish, and his greatest wish was to have a cure for cancer for me. I carry it in my purse. Cat says he doesn't like to talk about it much though.
Emma is 5 and she's so full of spirit. She was only 3 when I was diagnosed, but when I lost all my hair and was in the wheelchair, she asked me if I was going to die. I just said, "not today!" and she was satisfied with that. For her age, she's really handled this well. She doesn't freak out when she sees me without my wig, and the cane doesn't seem to bother her either. She likes to use it as a play microphone, haha.
I pray every night that I live long enough to see the kids grow up. They are so precious to me.
I have other family, but they are spread out all over the country. My parents and my sister and her family are the only close family I have, but they are very special to me. I'm so thankful to have them!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
