High Anxiety

I used to make fun of anxiety issues. I’ve always been an anxious person, even when I was a little kid, but I learned early how to hide it away and act like stuff didn’t bother me. I always took pride in giving off the appearance that things roll off my back. But the truth is, not much of anything rolls off my back. I let stuff bother me and I rarely forget things that have been said and done, past and present. It’s not that I hold grudges. It’s more like me beating myself up, wondering, “what could I have done to make that situation better so it would have worked out differently?” or “what did I do wrong here?”

I can’t help but think that a lot of internalizing and worrying contributed to my illness. After all, “they” say that stress is a huge contributor to any illness.  When I was diagnosed, I couldn’t help but wonder what I had done wrong to get this disease, and why didn’t I find the lump sooner? My general doctor pretty much said it was dumb luck, and my onco says that I got it because I got it. It’s just one of those things.

On May 7 I found out that the disease is the worst it’s ever been, with a lime-sized tumor on my liver, and new bone mets in my spine and lumbar. My tumor marker soared to 1075. My onco started me on a new drug the same day (Navelbine) but I still have to wait and see if it’s going to help me. I get the treatment every week for 3 weeks, then I get a week off. I just completed my second cycle of it Tuesday (6 treatments total so far). They checked my tumor marker and I found out Tuesday 6/18 that it’s down to 1027 – the count was taken from my blood work done right before my 5^th treatment on Tuesday 6/11. That’s not much of a decrease, BUT it’s a decrease and that gives me hope that I’m going in the right direction. Honestly after only 4 treatments, to see an almost 50 point drop makes me feel pretty good. I won’t get scanned again until the end of July (I get a CAT scan of the chest, abdomen and pelvis every three months). My doctor was worried that the small drop would make me more anxious, but I told him that I would take any piece of encouragement I could get, not matter how small.

The time between May 7 and now has been tough regarding anxiety. I’ve prayed a lot for peace, and God has blessed me with comfort and hope during this time. However, panicky moments creep in. When I think about the size of the tumor on my liver, it scares me to death. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop – am I going to start hurting? Surely a tumor that size would cause some kind of discomfort. Am I going to wake up one morning and have yellow skin and nails because my liver is failing? What’s going to happen?? Then there is bone pain to contend with. For a few days, my other leg started hurting, and all I could think about was the hell I went through with my left leg, and I wondered if I would have to do it all over again with my right leg too. It must have been weather related or a just a fluke, because praise God, it’s not hurting anymore. Sometimes I have a sense that something is “there” on my right side, where my liver is. It’s not pain, just an awareness that something is there. But when I press my side, I can’t feel anything. No pain, no lumps, no bloating, so I can’t help but wonder if that’s my anxiety making me feel a presence there. I pray every day (sometimes many times a day) that God protect me from abdominal/side pain and that I can still eat good. I love to eat, but there are times when my anxiety gets bad, and my mouth and throat dry up like a desert, making it hard to eat and swallow. There have been days over the past month when I’ve had to force myself to eat, gagging after every bite, not because I’m in pain or nauseated, but I’m too anxious to sit still and eat. I’ve prayed for a growling stomach and some peace so I can eat, and sure enough, within the hour, my stomach will growl and I’m able to eat a decent meal. God is always here, carrying me through it.

I’m still determined to beat this if it’s God’s will. I pray for strength, comfort, and healing every day, many times a day. I don’t want to be another statistic. So many stage iv metastatic cancer fighters do well for awhile, and then they get bad again, then worse, and then they die. I lost a friend a few months ago to this horrible disease and she was only 48. I want God to lead me wherever he wants me to go, whenever he wants me to go, sick or well, so I can help other people through this. The one thing I needed so badly when I was first diagnosed was other stage iv metastatic cancer fighters around to say, “I’m making it through this and you can too, with God’s help.” I know one other fighter who has BC with similar metastases, and she’s struggling pretty badly right now. She’s getting ready to go through some risky treatment, dangerous enough to require an overnight hospital stay after each chemo. I’m praying for her every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I’m sure she’s really worried and scared.

My dream is to be healed so I can go to nursing school. I want to become an RN, specializing in oncology so I can hold the hands of the sick, and hopefully give them some comfort and hope. I pray that God lead me in the right direction so I can give back to all of nurses that have helped me. My doctors have been awesome, but it’s the nurses that do a lot of the “dirty work” and comforting. Every nurse I’ve had interactions with since I’ve been sick has been gentle, positive, and kind. That means a lot when you feel scared and lost.

I don’t laugh off anxiety anymore. It’s real and it’s scary. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m afraid and that I worry about stuff, and I am not an actor anymore. When I’m tired, I’m tired. When I’m scared, I’m scared. I need my energy to fight disease, not to act like everything is okay all the time. This disease has brought me to my knees – figuratively. I can't physically get on my knees right now haha. I’ve never been so scared in my life. If you have a loved one fighting anxiety for whatever reason, please be patient with them, and pray for them.