I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain

My leg doesn’t hurt anymore, but I do suffer from back pain – sometimes it’s the cancer, sometimes it’s side effects from my meds. Pain really annoys me for two reasons. One reason is obvious – it hurts. The other reason is I don’t have time to stop and hurt. Life is good and I have stuff to do. I hate times when I’m in pain because it reminds me that I’m sick and sometimes I’m literally curled up, groaning to myself like a cancer patient. I hate that crap. Last Thursday, I was really feeling the effects from my chemo. The bones in my back ached and throbbed like I had the flu. It wasn’t typical hammer and chisel cancer pain, just a general achiness that wouldn’t let up. I was also running a low grade fever, which oddly, is another side effect of the chemo drug I’m on now. I started getting really scared because me and John had a long weekend planned in Gatlinburg to celebrate our six-year anniversary, and we were leaving the next day. What if I was still in pain or running an even higher fever when I woke up Friday morning?

Thursday night was definitely one of the worst nights I’ve had since I was first diagnosed. I tossed and turned all night, had nightmares, and woke up several times soaked in sweat, panicking. I had also taken some extra drugs, so I was high and out of it, which made me feel trapped in my body. My mind could not process exactly how I felt and I could barely utter a coherent prayer. So I asked God to get me through it and to bless my body.  

Friday morning when I woke up, I was hung over from the drugs and still had a panicky scared feeling all over. BUT I wasn’t in pain. So I did what I do best - I made a nice strong pot of coffee. I calmly told John good morning and acted like I was okay. I did not want to scare him, although I did tell him that I had horrible nightmares all night. I sat on the couch and had two big mugs of coffee and gradually, I started feeling better. I prayed as I sipped the coffee and flipped channels. I settled on the original 1980 version of the movie Friday the 13^th, and it was fun to just sit and watch something stupid for awhile.

After the coffee kicked in, I packed my stuff for the weekend and put on some makeup. John also started getting ready. We got the automatic feeder/waterer for the cat, and packed up the dog’s stuff so we could take him to my parent’s house. Once we were on the road, away from hectic pet readying and on our way to our romantic getaway, a peace washed over me. I prayed as I drove that God would get us to our hotel safely and to please keep the pain away so both me and John could really enjoy our weekend.

This is no exaggeration – our weekend was perfect. The hotel was great, all of the restaurants we ate at were wonderful, and I walked everywhere with ZERO pain. Of course, I needed my cane because I walk like a penguin without it, but I had no back pain at all. For the whole weekend, it was like I didn’t even have cancer. Everything was perfect.  I truly believe that God hears and answers all prayers. Sometimes He says no, but even when He says no, I try to remember that His timing and plan are perfect. I’m very happy and thankful that He said yes to my prayers for the weekend. Me and John desperately needed a getaway and we both had a great time.

Our long weekend made me realize that I’m capable of more than I thought. So beginning Monday night (4/15), we walked around our block, and plan to do it every night. So far, we are just going around once – I think it’s about 1/3 of a mile. But we are gradually going to go longer and longer. I’m still doing my elliptical every morning to get the blood flowing, and to wake me up. The ortho surgeon told me back in October that my prosthesis is the most complicated one he does, and muscles don’t like to grow around it. Unfortunately the cancer did so much damage, I could not have the basic hip prosthesis. That, coupled with being in weekly chemo makes muscle building difficult, so I have to keep pushing myself. I’m not ever giving up and I will be able to walk without assistance someday. The surgeon must have picked up on some spunk or spirit in me, or whatever you want to call it, because he said that if anyone could do it, I could do it. After all, I walked around with a dislocated fragment of a hip with metal hardware poking through it for many months. I’m determined and persistent to the point of being annoying. I’ve warned all of my docs about this so they can schedule themselves a cocktail hour after seeing me LOL. I’m praying all the time that God wrap His arms around me and protect me as I try to get stronger and build some endurance. Having more mobility and a little independence back would really help increase my life quality.