Another Weak Moment...

Day in and day out, I try to maintain a positive attitude. Every day is a gift and I’m thankful to be alive. People ask me how I am and I always say that I’m good and can’t complain. But right now at this very moment, I’m pissed off. I don’t really know what brought it on. I’ve had a great day today. I woke up with minimal pain. Me and my husband went to church and heard beautiful music and a great sermon. We enjoyed a tasty Japanese lunch with my parents.

I guess I just started thinking about things in my life and how some people complain about stupid stuff and I just get tired of it. I hate that I’ve been bald for 3 years. I hate that I have pain every day. I hate that I dated so many stupid people before finally meeting the true love of my life, and now I’m going to die and leave him here alone. I hate being on a cane because no matter how much makeup I wear and how much money I’ve spent on a quality wig, I still look like a sick person. I hate that my toenails never grow and what I do have are so damaged by the chemo that I’m too ashamed to let John see them. I hate that I have two pink lines across my chest instead of two breasts, which by the way, were really pretty at one time. I hate that I have to go to the doctor every few weeks and worry every time about what he’s going to say. I’m so tired of hearing “this is good news but…” or “unfortunately…”  I hate that I have hot flashes that make my face blazing red all the time. I hate that I’m so self conscious that I push my friends away and avoid most social situations. I hate reading articles about celebrities or pseudo celebrities like those stupid housewives of whatever city talk about a “very scary” breast surgery for a BENIGN tumor. Really? You are scared because you “almost” had breast cancer? Give me a break. I would give my right arm to have had an “almost breast cancer” scare. I hate it when people talk about how tired they are of being sick, when they’ve been sick for a week with a cold. I hate that I can’t help my husband with housework or go grocery shopping by myself. I hate seeing disabled people that don’t work and I’m working full time. I hate the show Bridezillas, but I hate even more that I’ve been sitting here for two hours watching it!

Well, now that I have all of that out of my system, I feel better. I think it’s normal and human to have pity parties and get mad sometimes. I’m thankful that it doesn’t happen often and usually happens in private. John is painting one of our bathrooms so he doesn’t even know that I had a “moment.” I like to cry in private because I’m the world’s ugliest cryer lol. I love my life and I want to live to be 80, but I have moments of fear, anger, frustration, sadness, and pain.  It just gets to me and I have to release it.  Okay, I’m done. Uplifting and happier blog entries are coming soon. :o)