Happy to be Alive!

Three years ago today, I received the scariest and most devastating news that I’ve ever heard. My oncologist called me with results regarding a CAT scan I’d had a few weeks earlier. I was in a wheelchair because of all the pain in my leg. It was cold and rainy that afternoon, and I remember it so well because we were having a new front door installed (we had to get it done before the end of ’09 so we would qualify for a special home improvement tax break lol). Anyway, my oncologist’s nurse called me around 12:30 that afternoon and said they wanted to talk to me in person. I told her that we would try our best, but we were having a new door put in and it might take awhile. So she made the appointment for 3:30 and the Champion guys were done by around 2. I knew the news was bad. I started crying and praying as soon as I hung up the phone, begging God to give me strength to handle whatever the doc had to say. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t take the two steps down into our garage to get in the car, so I scooted down the steps on my butt. John wheeled me in my chair for the rest of it.

When we got to the doctor’s office, they took us back almost immediately, and my doctor came in to the exam room to deliver the news. He started with “unfortunately…” and put his hand on my shoulder. I just took a deep breath and listened as he told me and John about how the chemo wasn’t working and the CAT scan had detected several lesions on my liver. Me and John just looked at each other, stunned. I was too scared and too surprised to cry. I was just so sure that the chemo was working. My doctor ordered an x-ray on my leg to see if the radiation had helped at all, and to ensure I didn’t have a fracture, so I could start physical therapy. Over in the Radiology department at the hospital, it was dead. After all, it was 4:00 PM on New Year’s Eve. While everyone was off making big party plans, me and John sat alone in the waiting area, quietly wiping tears, trying to hold it together. The x-ray technician had to lift me out of my wheelchair and hold me on the table because I literally could not move my lower body. He told me to hang in there and as long as I didn’t have disease in my liver, I would be fine. “You will do great as long as it’s not in your liver; anywhere but your liver…” he said. Then I told him that I had found out an hour earlier that it was in my liver. He said, “Oh, well you will still be fine, I just know it.” He was embarrassed for putting his foot in his mouth, and I was kind to him. He didn’t mean it badly. In addition to that, he had been carrying my 150 pound ass all over the exam room, so I had to cut him a little slack. On the way home, I said something like, “well this is it, this is how I’m going to die…” but John never accepted that. He just told me I was going to make it. I think he said it 2-3 times during the ride home. Maybe he was trying to convince himself.

When we got home, all I wanted was to watch something mindless and funny on television, and have a double cheeseburger from Burger King. I was afraid to eat onion rings because they always give me indigestion, and I knew that my mind would trick me into thinking those tumors on my liver were the cause. After we ate, I had to call my sister because I knew she would be wondering what was going on. She had been at work all day and I was off (I was working from home, but had vacation time that day). John went into the office bedroom because he couldn’t stand to hear the conversation between me and Cat.  As soon as I heard her voice I started crying really hard and she knew. We cried together and she agreed to break the news to our parents. I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t even sure how I would be able to look at my parents without crying, much less be able to tell them the awful news. After me and Cat got off the phone, I cried really hard for about a half hour, then I called for John to come back into the living room so we could watch something funny. We flipped channels and found “Paul Blart - Mall Cop” on one of the movie channels. Normally, movies like that don’t do much for me, but it was just what both of us needed. We laughed throughout the whole movie. I was still scared and worried, but for an hour and a half, it was nice to laugh and think about something else.

Today, three years later, my life is so different. I’ve had lots of ups and downs since then. But today, I’m up walking around – no scooting down steps on my butt LOL. I’m working in the office instead of at home, propped up in bed. As of October 24, my liver is still clear of tumors (next scan is at the end of January). I spent this afternoon cuddling on the couch with my pup, helping John install a window sill in one on our bathrooms, and eating a great homemade Indian meal that John made after he finished the window work. Now we are watching the Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci Fi channel and my mind is much more at ease. I still get really scared, but three years ago, I didn’t think I would live to see another New Years Eve, much less three more New Year’s Eves!! To be honest, this post is hard to write, because thinking about how things were three years ago still scares me to death. Sometimes it’s hard to believe it even happened. It’s like something you read in a book or see in a movie.  But I need to think of how awful things were, so when I have a self pity moment,  I’ll remember  how great my life really is now.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

My last entry was angry and full of self pity. In moments of weakness, it's easy to forget how blessed I really am. I experienced some really nice blessings during the holiday weekend. My Christmas with John and my family was wonderful. I'm thrilled that I'm here to celebrate another holiday and that my body feels strong enough to enjoy two of my favorite things: shopping and baking! We also went to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at church and it was so nice.
 
I went back to work yesterday after having a few days off. I learned that one of my contacts at our headquarters office died suddenly over the weekend. I never got to meet her face to face, but we spoke on the phone and emailed frequently regarding work projects. In fact, I just talked to her last week. I knew that she had been sick and recently had surgery, although she was back to work and recovering. Hearing this news made me very sad, and her family is in my prayers. But it also reminded me that none of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Three years ago, I could barely celebrate Christmas because I was in so much pain. It was all I could do to put on my wig and makeup and pretend to feel good so I wouldn't disappoint or scare my niece and nephew. Now, I'm working in the office every day, going to church, shopping, cooking/baking, and hosting my family at my house for the holidays. I'm so thankful for all of these things.
 
One of my Facebook friends posted something really cool and I’m going to do it in 2013. On January 1, you take an empty jar or container, and put in little notes about good things that happen throughout the year. Then on New Year’s Eve, you empty it and read all the little notes. I think that sounds really awesome. I’m going to make sure to date each note that I write too. What a wonderful way to truly count your blessings!

Another Weak Moment...

Day in and day out, I try to maintain a positive attitude. Every day is a gift and I’m thankful to be alive. People ask me how I am and I always say that I’m good and can’t complain. But right now at this very moment, I’m pissed off. I don’t really know what brought it on. I’ve had a great day today. I woke up with minimal pain. Me and my husband went to church and heard beautiful music and a great sermon. We enjoyed a tasty Japanese lunch with my parents.

I guess I just started thinking about things in my life and how some people complain about stupid stuff and I just get tired of it. I hate that I’ve been bald for 3 years. I hate that I have pain every day. I hate that I dated so many stupid people before finally meeting the true love of my life, and now I’m going to die and leave him here alone. I hate being on a cane because no matter how much makeup I wear and how much money I’ve spent on a quality wig, I still look like a sick person. I hate that my toenails never grow and what I do have are so damaged by the chemo that I’m too ashamed to let John see them. I hate that I have two pink lines across my chest instead of two breasts, which by the way, were really pretty at one time. I hate that I have to go to the doctor every few weeks and worry every time about what he’s going to say. I’m so tired of hearing “this is good news but…” or “unfortunately…”  I hate that I have hot flashes that make my face blazing red all the time. I hate that I’m so self conscious that I push my friends away and avoid most social situations. I hate reading articles about celebrities or pseudo celebrities like those stupid housewives of whatever city talk about a “very scary” breast surgery for a BENIGN tumor. Really? You are scared because you “almost” had breast cancer? Give me a break. I would give my right arm to have had an “almost breast cancer” scare. I hate it when people talk about how tired they are of being sick, when they’ve been sick for a week with a cold. I hate that I can’t help my husband with housework or go grocery shopping by myself. I hate seeing disabled people that don’t work and I’m working full time. I hate the show Bridezillas, but I hate even more that I’ve been sitting here for two hours watching it!

Well, now that I have all of that out of my system, I feel better. I think it’s normal and human to have pity parties and get mad sometimes. I’m thankful that it doesn’t happen often and usually happens in private. John is painting one of our bathrooms so he doesn’t even know that I had a “moment.” I like to cry in private because I’m the world’s ugliest cryer lol. I love my life and I want to live to be 80, but I have moments of fear, anger, frustration, sadness, and pain.  It just gets to me and I have to release it.  Okay, I’m done. Uplifting and happier blog entries are coming soon. :o)

It's Time to Shave, Yes It's Time to Shave!

I'm in a wild mood this morning, haha. I'm thinking of the stupid Brady Bunch kids singing the "Time to Change" song - you know the episode where Peter's voice changes right before a big talent show. So I'm singing to myself about it being time to shave my head. Right on schedule, a few weeks after my first chemo, my head hair is coming out in huge chunks. I bought a new wig last weekend, so I'm ready for the hair loss! I don't really mind looking freakish as my hair falls out, but what is most annoying is the trail of hair that I leave all over the house. That's why it's important to just shave your head when you start losing hair. Little things like towel drying your hair after a shower or turning over in bed in the middle of the night pull out bunches of hair. We will have to wash sheets, blankets, and towels this weekend haha!

Scan Update

Well, as of yesterday, I’m back in chemo. I got scanned on 10/24 and got results yesterday. My organs are great, which is a huge relief. However, some of the spots in my lumbar/sacrum area have grown a little. So my oncologist wants to be aggressive so the spots don’t grow more or spread to any of my organs.  Yesterday, I started on Abraxane, which is in the Taxol family (the chemo that I was on forever and ever LOL) and Xgeva to strengthen my bones. The Abraxane is a thirty minute intravenous treatment that goes in through my port every three weeks. The Xgeva will be given through a shot in my arm once a month.  The doctor has also ordered a Neulasta shot once a month to keep my white blood cell count up. I’ve never had bad counts, but he doesn’t want me to start having them now.

To be totally honest, I’m disappointed. I’m so thankful for healthy organs and the news could have been so much worse. But I’m just now at the point to where I’m comfortable without my wig and my eyelashes have been coming in so nicely. The nurses in the infusion room told me that my hair may just thin a little bit, but I’m not getting my hopes up about that. I lost my hair with the first round of chemo drugs, and stayed hairless during the Taxol treatments. So I wouldn’t be surprised if I lost it all again. There are benefits to losing my hair though: no shaving under my arms, no shaving my legs, and no Nairing my face – yes you get lots of facial hair when you go through menopause haha! I’d rather be bald and have my tumors shrinking than to be full of cancer with long beautiful hair. There is more to life than a head full of hair and long lashes. :o)

So I’m going to keep working, keep exercising, and keep pushing. That has worked for me for the past three years, so I’m not stopping now! My medical leave for the hip replacement ends tomorrow so the routine at my job will be great therapy. I have a lot to be thankful for at my job. The benefits have paid for all of these crazy chemo drugs and I make good money. If I didn’t have a job with great benefits, I would really struggle paying for my treatment. The last thing I want is to be a financial burden to my husband. I know he would be glad to help me but holding on to a little of my independence is important. I also work on a great team with a fabulous boss. My co-workers are also my friends and they have been so understanding about me working from home on chemo days. My boss is super flexible and kind about my appointments and work load. A lot of people can’t say that. I remember sitting in treatment one day last year, and a patient was on her cell phone fighting with her insurance company about coverage.  I’m so blessed!

Hip Update

I had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon today, and I got a great report! In fact, he released me. I don’t have to go back until next August. I’ll be on a cane for awhile since I’m building all new muscles. I’m going to do something I rarely do on Facebook or in the blog: post a picture! I thought it was really cool to see the “before” and “after” versions of my hip. The image on the left is the new hip. The image on the right shows the old rod and the screw that moved through my weak hip ball. I'm really not sure how long I walked around with the old hardware out of place, but it was very uncomfortable. I'm so thankful for modern medicine and miracle surgeries! I feel sooo much better now! Although I already wrote this in another post, I have to write it again - the bone fragments removed during surgery had NO cancer. It's a miracle!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I’m a little embarrassed to write this, but I promised myself I would always be honest in my blogs, even when it makes me look bad.

Before I was diagnosed with BC, I used to roll my eyes a little when it came to breast cancer awareness, particularly breast cancer awareness month. It just seemed to me like most of the advocates were the ones that had teeny tiny tumors and they caught it so early that they didn’t even need chemo. So why were they being so damn dramatic about it and acting like they knew everything about cancer? Well, now I get it. Finding BC early is so important. If I had been more aware of my body and been doing self exams, maybe I would have caught mine before the tumor grew to six centimeters. And while I’m being honest, I knew that I should have been doing self exams. My OB/GYN preached self exams from my very first visit to him in my mid-twenties. I just laughed it off. I also donated to BC charities and read literature about BC. So I knew that anyone could get it and age didn’t matter. Somehow though, I still felt immune. I went through a short hypochondriac phase in my early twenties because I had a thyroid cancer scare. I have underactive thyroid disease and it turns out that I had some lumps on my thyroid gland. The doc increased my synthroid dose and the lumps shrank. A needle biopsy also proved that they were benign. However, after that scare, for about two years, I got every ache and pain checked.  I even went through a period when I thought I had lupus. Then one day, a specialist laughed at me and I was mortified. I promised myself that I would never be a crazy hypochondriac again. I still went for my yearly checkups so I could get synthroid refills and saw my OB/GYN once a year.  I took pride in never complaining about health stuff, and bragged about being healthy. I was determined not to revert back to being a crazy hypochondriac. Unfortunately, that was my downfall when it came to finding my breast lump. I only waited a few weeks, but as aggressive as my tumor turned out to be, I should have run to my doctor – literally. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose.

Since it’s October, everyone will see billboards, commercials, internet articles, Facebook posts, etc regarding breast cancer awareness. I’m sure many people will think, “damn, enough already!” But please take my word for it – be aware of your body. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to look at yourself in the mirror and examine yourself. I used to say, “well I’ll start doing that when I’m 40…” But breast cancer does not discriminate. It can strike anyone, any age, men and women. I have no family history of breast cancer and I was never sick a day in my life (unless you count chicken pox and the occasional cold/flu). I didn’t meet any of the criteria or “warning signs.”  If you find a lump, RUN to your doctor. I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through over the past three years.

My Wonderful Pets

I’ve always been an animal lover. When I was a kid, my parents had to watch me very closely because I would run up to any animal with open arms. When I was four, I approached a huge dog with a bad temper and got a nasty bite on my forehead. The scar still glows pink whenever I cry or over-exert myself. Even a bad experience didn’t stop me from loving animals, especially dogs.  

In October 2002, I got Peyton, my Shih Tzu dog. He has been absolutely precious from day one. He’s very cute, cuddly, and extremely tolerant. Whenever I am sitting or laying down, he’s right beside of me, as close to me as he can get. When I get up to walk around, he’s right behind me. If I don’t hear the “tap tap tap” of those little nails on the wood floor, I get worried and wonder where he is.  

In the Fall of 2003 (I can’t remember the exact month/day), I got Shelly my cat. My former manager gave her to me because Shelly was not meshing with the other cat in my manager’s house. I remember bringing her home in her carrier and sitting her on the bed. I just opened the door and let her come out on her own.  As soon as she came out of the carrier, we bonded and we’ve been big buddies ever since.  

My pets have been very entertaining and comforting for me over the years. They’ve been with me through divorce, moving, re-marriage, and sickness. When me and John went on our first official date, he met my pets and I told him point blank “love me, love my pets…” He was raised around dogs, so he bonded with both animals, Shelly first. Peyton was a little more protective and guarded regarding me, but after a day or two, he warmed up to John and learned to trust him. 

Peyton just turned 10 and Shelly turned 9 in June. I know that technically, they are both considered “seniors.” It scares me to think about that because they are with me all the time, so I know I’ll be lost for awhile when their time comes.  

Tuesday night while I was at my breast cancer support group meeting, Shelly got very sick. John called me in a panic and said that every breath was difficult and she was making weird hiccup noises. Well, Shelly is very hairy and sheds a LOT, so at first I just brushed it off as a hair ball. However, when I got home and saw her, I knew right away it was no hair ball. She could barely walk and she was so weak. She never lets us carry her for longer than 30 seconds, yet she let John carry her and hold her. We decided to take her to the vet. We called ahead so they would be expecting us. They met us at the door and took her back immediately. They said that she was in severe respiratory distress and that cats do not handle breathing trouble very well. They said she might not even make it through the night. They took chest x-rays which revealed several lesions on Shelly’s lungs. My heart sank. All the stupid cancer crap that’s been going on with me hasn’t been enough?? Now my poor helpless cat has it too?? We were devastated.

Yesterday morning, we brought her from the emergency vet to our regular vet, who consulted a veterinary oncologist at UT in Knoxville. My vet kept her all day yesterday and medicated/observed her. The vet onco at UT read her x-rays and told my vet that he was very confident it was NOT cancer. In fact, they really are not sure what those spots are. They are mineralized, almost like bone and could be scar tissue. The vet said there was a very remote possibility that Shelly had bone cancer and that it had metastasized to her lungs, but the x-rays showing her bones don’t support that theory. So he diagnosed her with asthma and said that Tuesday night’s episode was a severe asthma attack. If we hadn’t gotten her to the emergency vet when we did, she would have died. So now, she’s on steroids and antibiotics. She’s feeling much better.  

I was fully expecting not to bring Shelly home from the vet yesterday. I thought for sure that the onco vet would come back with a cancer diagnosis. I had already made up my mind that I would not put her through any harsh treatment. She was suffering so badly Tuesday night that we almost authorized the emergency vet to put her to sleep. However, I wanted our regular vet to see her and give his opinion. I’m so relieved that she does not have cancer and as long as she lets me give her the meds, she can survive a long time with asthma.  

People that don’t have pets probably won’t understand this post and may even roll their eyes. That’s okay. I know that animals are not humans and losing a pet is certainly not the same as losing a human family member. But pets are loyal companions that love their owners unconditionally. My pets have been so therapeutic for me, especially since I’ve been sick. I know that someday it will be their time to pass on. But for now, I’m enjoying every minute I have with them.

Weak Moments and Time to Think

I'm on medical leave from work to recover from the hip surgery, so I've had lots of time on my hands. While that can be a good thing (time to watch favorite shows and movies, pay bills, hold my dog, etc), it can also be a bad thing. I think about everything that can go wrong. What if I get blood clots in my leg because I'm sitting more? What if my length difference comes back for some weird reason? What will I do if the PT doesn't work and I never walk correctly again? What if next month's scan shows new tumors and I have to go back to chemo after almost 6 months of freedom? If I do have to go back to chemo, what if it doesn't work and I die this time? Then I just have to calm down and remember that God is in control. Nobody is guaranteed the next minute, no matter how healthy they are. We have to live for now and appreciate every bit of time we are given.

About three and a half years ago, I was really burnt out at work. I was almost at the point of applying for jobs in totally different fields with other companies, just to get out and have some change. I prayed and asked God, "What is my purpose in life??" It seemed that all I ever did was work, eat, and sleep. All I did during that time was complain about how stressed I was. My family relied on me a lot as well, so one night, in a moment of anger and frustration, I vented to my husband. I said that I would be screwed if I got sick, because I took care of everyone, and nobody would ever step up to help me, and they never helped me anyway. This rant was untrue, but in fits of anger, we often say things that are mean and false. I also joked with a co-worker that a medical leave might be fun if we could choose an easy illness like a broken leg - yes, I actually joked that being on medical leave for a broken leg would be fun. Scary isn't it?

Not long after my angry tirades and multiple jokes about going on medical leave for an "easy" broken leg, I got my breast cancer diagnosis. I never imagined that breast cancer would break my leg and cause 3 years of drama. Things went from bad to worse to horrible in a matter of weeks. By Christmas 2009, I was bedridden and in constant pain. Suddenly, a little work stress or helping a family member didn't seem so bad. All of my independence was gone and I had to rely on someone else for everything, even getting a glass of water. I went from being almost completely independent and in control to being helpless and terrified.

Over the past 3 years, I've learned to focus on the good stuff. If I have a stressful situation in my life or at work, I say a prayer and just do my best. It's so much easier to hand things over to God, rather than stewing over situations that can't be helped. I hate cancer and wish I would have never gotten sick. However, it's been such an eye-opener for me. I feel closer to God now than ever before, and my personal and professional relationships are much more positive. I've also learned to appreciate every little thing, like being able to take a shower without help, and walking to the kitchen to get my own drinks! Trusting in God always pays off. My glass is not half full. It's running over!

More Setbacks, More Blessings

Warning, this is a LONG post. There are lots of updates! Over the past few months, I’ve experienced some setbacks, but there have been blessings with each of them.  

First Update – My Leg:

My blog posts are never complete without an update or complaint about my leg. After the mastectomy in May, I decided to go back to PT to get my leg into shape. The PT recommended that I go back to my orthopedic surgeon for x-rays, just to ensure the hardware was in the right place, doing what it was supposed to be doing. So in June, I had x-rays and learned that the screw in my hip had actually moved. This was not the surgeon’s fault or defective hardware. The ball of my hip was simply too weak from disease to support the hardware, and the screw moved from the center of the bone to the top of the bone. The ortho surgeon told me that no PT would help me at this point and the only way to achieve quality with my leg was to remove all of the old hardware (the rod in my femur and the screws in my hip and knee) and have a full hip replacement. So he referred me to a surgeon in Kingsport who specializes in weird bone injuries. 

 

Second Update – My Teeth:

I’ve never had fabulous teeth, but since I’ve had cancer, I’ve been on bone strengthening meds. You are not allowed to have dental work while on bone strengthening meds because of rare but super serious side effects that can cause your jaw bone to break down. I’ve been off the bone meds since January 2012 so I can have a few things done while I’m on chemo break. Since I needed to get dental clearance for my hip replacement surgery anyway, I made an appointment. About 5 years ago I had a root canal and crown on one of my molars. The dentist discovered that the root canal failed and the only option for the tooth was to have it extracted. While the dentist was looking at the x-ray he saw a shadow, so he did an orbital x-ray of the whole mouth/neck area. So for about ten minutes, I thought that maybe my cancer had spread to that area of my mouth. I was terrified. Thank God it was just a pocket of infection. After a round of antibiotics, I was able to have the crown removed, and the tooth extracted. This delayed my surgery for a while, but it was worth it to get the tooth taken care of. Once I’m completely healed, I can get a bridge or an implant to replace it.

 

Third Update – My Dad:

My dad went to his doctor in July and learned that he had a defective heart valve.  So me, mom, and my sister went with dad for his heart catheterization test. They checked him into the hospital on Wednesday July 18 and determined the same day he needed a new aortic valve AND triple bypass. So they scheduled my dad’s surgery for Friday July 20. During this time, everyone’s plans and lives pretty much stopped. We were worried and scared for him. After spending 6 hours in surgery, the heart surgeon told us that it was a success. So we went home to nap and clean up. A few hours later, the surgeon called my cell phone and said they were rushing dad back to the OR because he was bleeding and they could not figure out why. It turns out that one of his bypasses sprung a leak and he lost almost 3 pints of blood. After a few scary hours, he was transferred back to the cardiac ICU. By Sunday, July 22, dad was transferred to a normal room and he spent the next few days resting and healing. They released him on Thursday July 26. He is still recovering, but he’s getting a little stronger each week.

 

Fourth Update – The Hip Replacement Surgery:

After my dad’s surgery and my dental drama were over, I was finally able to get my doctor/dental clearances in to the specialty ortho surgeon and get my hip surgery on the calendar. It was on August 17. I’m thrilled to report that I have pretty much all of my length back in my “bad” leg. There may end up being a slight length difference, but an insert in ANY pair of shoes will do the trick. No more specially built up shoes for that leg, yay! The surgeon told me that I have a cobalt chrome hip replacement and that it has the same probability of breaking as a bowling ball. That sounds good to me!

The first week after surgery was horrible. I had 46 staples in my leg, starting at my butt and going almost to my knee. Every move I made felt like the skin was ripping. In the hospital the first time getting out of bed was excruciating. I also lost a lot of blood during the surgery, so I needed some blood transfusions before they would release me. I was released on Monday August 20. Once I got home, I could not take a shower because I couldn’t get the staples wet. I had a hard time sleeping at night because I’m not allowed to sleep on my side for 6 weeks. So the first week was full of pain, swelling, and awkward moving. My husband had to help me dress /undress, and get into/out of bed. So the first week was depressing and frustrating. When I wasn’t totally drugged on Percocet, I was crying and worrying.

The second week was much better. I still had staples for part of the second week, but once I had my follow-up appt and had them removed, I felt much better.

I’m now in the third week and home health PT is helping me learn how to walk normally again. It’s going to be a long process, but I’m slowly improving. I just have to keep on working on it, and I have to remember to be patient.

 

Blessings:

It’s been a crazy summer, but I’ve been reminded over and over again that God’s timing is absolutely perfect. In May, I went to the same PT as my sister because she talked about how great he was. If he hadn’t suggested that I go back to the ortho surgeon for x-rays, I probably wouldn’t have thought to do it. So I owe him big time! If I hadn’t had dental drama, I may have been in the middle of my own surgery and recovery when dad had his heart drama. I wouldn’t have been able to visit him or be there for him at all. If I had gone to my ortho surgeon for x-rays during chemo, I would have had to wait for the hip surgery anyway. Being on a chemo break has allowed me to heal without weirdness. I’m almost completely healed already, so hopefully there won’t be a year of gauzing up my leg like the last time.

I learned some pretty amazing news regarding the cancer at my follow-up appointment too. They sent the damaged hip ball that was removed to pathology after the surgery, and there was no cancer on it. Typically, spots on the bones do not go away. This is a miracle. When I learned the cancer had spread to my bones, the hip area was the worst spot. Now, almost three years later, pathology says that they don’t see any cancer.

I feel very blessed. Even with all the weirdness this summer, everything has just fallen into place and worked out perfectly. God is always right here, wrapping His arms around me during the scary times, and holding my hand during the good times.

Updates

I haven't posted a health update in awhile. Honestly, sometimes I'm afraid to say good stuff out loud, which is probably silly. I don't believe in "jinxing" myself. So here it goes.

I had a scan in at the end of March and it showed clear organs and stable bone mets. So for 2 full months, I've been on a chemo break. My schedule is full too. I'm catching up on all the things that I couldn't do while in chemo: dental work, more intense physical therapy for my leg, and another mastectomy.

Having my other breast removed was my idea. Although the breast was healthy, let's face it: breasts come in a set. You either have two, or you have none. Back in October 2009, it crossed my mind for about 2 seconds to have them both removed at the same time. However, at the time, things were moving so fast and the situation was pretty dire. In a way, I'm glad I didn't have them both done at the same time. The right breast removal was a radical mastectomy and required more recovery time. It was also my first hospital visit ever, and frankly, it was not fun. I didn't realize that anesthesia made me throw up non-stop, so that coupled with two drain tubes instead of one would have stunk. Plus, mobility in my arms is limited for about two weeks post surgery. It's nice to have at least one good arm. So even though I needed an extra surgery, I guess I don't regret waiting until a few weeks ago to have the left breast removed. I'm going back to work this week, and I'm really excited! I've had my fill of internet, reading, and watching The Cooking Channel. :o)

As far as treatment goes, I'm on Arimidex, a daily pill. I'm also taking Zoladex, a monthly shot. So far, the only side effects are hot flashes. I had those the whole time I was in chemo, so it's not a big deal. However, these two drugs have officially put me into menopause. I've not had a period since Christmas 2009, but knowing that my child bearing days are truly over and I'll never have a biological child bothers me a little. As soon as I knew I had metastatic disease, I realized that I would never have a baby. After more than one hundred chemos, having a baby probably wouldn't have been good for my body anyway. Plus, who knows if the kid would have weird issues, like an extra ear or 6 toes on each foot, haha. I know I'm just being silly, but I have to keeping laughing. It's good therapy.

Still, I can't help but think of something my mom has said many times. She's always been very vocal about how happy she is to have two daughters, which makes me feel good. She always makes it very clear how much she loves me and Cat, and that she would be so lonely without us. Again, I appreciate that my mom loves me so much and I love her too. She has a good heart. But it still makes me wonder - if I live to be an old woman, will I be all alone? I pray every night that God heal my body and use me to do His work. Well, what if He says yes to my prayer and I out live everyone? Do I really want to be the last one standing? My grandmother (mom's mother) was 92 when she died. She was the oldest of 5 kids. She outlived them. She buried her mom, dad, stepmom (who was younger than her), and husband. She outlived at least 3 pastors that she wanted to preach her funeral - she made her funeral plans a looooooong time before she died. I'm sure she had plenty of sad times with all of the losses she experienced, but she was tough.

When I start thinking too much, I just pray and try to remember that God is control, not me. Frankly, I'm glad I'm not in control. It's too much pressure! No matter what happens, I plan to fight until I take my last breath. I'm thankful for every day and try to live my life as normally as possible. God's plan is perfect, so I'm excited about the future, no matter what happens.

Blessings

God always hears and answers our prayers. We just don’t always get the answer we want, when we want it. God’s purpose is not for our instant gratification. His plan is perfect and we are on His timeline. It’s hard to remember that when there are hard times and pain.

When I was first diagnosed, I prayed that I had caught the cancer early. I hadn’t. When I had radiation on my leg and had to be in a wheelchair because of severe inflammation, I prayed every day for the pain to go away. It didn’t. When I prayed that the chemo was working to get the cancer under control, the cancer spread more. When I prayed that physical therapy would get my bad leg back in shape, my leg broke and I needed emergency surgery. After the surgery, I had to go back to chemo immediately, and my largest surgical incision re-opened. I prayed for the incision to close quickly. It stayed open for over a year. During all of this, I developed severely dry eyes and almost went blind in my left eye from a corneal ulcer.

Looking back at all the weirdness and setbacks, I have to remember blessings with each one. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people in chemo. Throughout chemo, I’ve been able to eat anything I want. Having a bad leg has helped me to slow down and learn to depend on others. My eye troubles taught me to get my eyes checked every year, and not to write off symptoms as “just normal side effects.” When my liver had several tumors, I never felt abdominal pain or had abnormal liver panels. While my hip incision was open, I never had an infection. I try to remember all the scary times whenever I feel sorry for myself. God is always with me, no matter what.

Good News

I had a scan at the end of January and got the results last week. My organs look great, including my liver. Everything was "unremarkable" and "clear." Very good words in scan world. Last year, my liver was clear for the most part. It seemed that every other scan, one of the liver lesions would show its ugly head again. But this time, I got the all clear! Of course I still have bone mets and probably always will. But the bone mets that the scan could see are stable.

My doctor wants me to stay in chemo until my next set of scans (probably end of March or April) because my tumor marker number keeps going up. Thankfully in January, it only increased from 163 to 166. So I'm hoping that the next few months of chemo will make it fall. However, if my next scans look as good as January's, we are going to talk about taking a chemo break. Yay!

My Vitamix

All of my friends, family, and co-workers have been subjected to my dramatic and energetic raves about my Vitamix. All you have to do is mention it to me, and I will start talking non-stop about how the Vitamix changed my life.

The Vitamix is a kitchen appliance that looks like a blender. However, it's so much more than just a blender. It can crush a whole container of ice in 3 seconds. It can make smoothies, soups, dressings, milks (from nuts, rice, sesame seeds, etc), nut butters, hummus, and flours from grains.

Before my cancer diagnosis, I never struggled with health issues or weight problems. I ate anything and everything that is gross and bad for you. If the food was drenched in gravy or butter, I would eat it. I hated most vegetables and refused to even try new food that might be good for me. Shortly after my diagnosis when things seemed to get worse, I continued to eat badly. As hopeful as I was trying to be, I honestly thought I would die soon, so I ate whatever I wanted. After I broke my leg and had surgery, my health started to improve. I decided that it was time to make some major changes in my diet.

I found the Vitamix ad by accident in one of my food magazines, and I was instantly intrigued. The $500+ price tag was not attractive though. I wouldn't even consider spending that much money so I put the idea of buying one out of my head. A few months passed and I was struggling through trying to get my daily required fruits and veggies. In fact, I was failing miserably. I desperately wanted to do better, but I just felt overwhelmed. So I went back to the Vitamix website and bought the machine. After all, I pay good money for Clinique skin care and Bare Minerals makeup. Why not buy a machine that is going to help me make healthier meals for me and my husband?

After the machine arrived, I read the instruction manual, watched the DVD, and scanned the cookbook that came with it. I tried something easy first: a strawberry smoothie. I was amazed at how quickly the blender processed all the ingredients; it even pulverized the little seeds on the strawberries! I drank the smoothie and loved it. After that, I decided to move on to veggies. I got brave and tried a "green smoothie" with bananas, pineapples, and spinach. Much to my delight, I couldn't even taste the spinach.

After a few months of fruit smoothies with "hidden" veggies, I decided to try soup. I've read that broccoli is a cancer fighter, so I tried a broccoli soup recipe. I steamed a head of broccoli for 8 minutes, and then placed it in the machine. Then I added chicken broth, cheese, and a little milk. I was a little squeamish at first, but I loved it!

I've had my Vitamix almost a year, and here is the best part about it. Although I still drink my smoothies every day, I actually crave whole veggies now. I still like to make my broccoli soup, but now I can eat steamed broccoli straight up. Tonight, I made kale salad and ate two helpings! I don't feel like I have to "hide" the veggies as much as I used to. If someone had told me a few years ago that I would be eating more fruits and veggies and less nasty food, I would have laughed out loud. The bottom line is, if I can do it, anyone can do it. I was the ultimate junk food junkie. I don't have a doubt that better eating habits have helped me tolerate the chemo better, and given my immune system a boost.

If you want to buy a Vitamix, I would recommend buying one from their website (www.vitamix.com) so you can have the full warranty, just in case something goes wrong. Mine performs just as good today as it did on the first day I got it, but you never know. Also be sure to use code 06-007846 to get free shipping (a $25 value).

Tips for People in Chemo

I’m a huge proponent of modern medicine. While I think that it’s a miracle from God that I’m still alive and feeling good, I also believe that God is the reason we have doctors, researchers, and drugs that work, and He wants us to take advantage of them. When I say my prayers, I pray for the doctors and scientists out there looking for a cure for cancer and other devastating diseases.

When people think of chemo, usually the first two things that come to mind are baldness and nausea. Losing hair and feeling nauseated come with the territory, but there are lots of other weird side effects of chemotherapy. I’ve been in treatment for over two years now, minus a three month break in Summer 2011, and there are things that I’ve seen and felt that I never imagined would happen.

Here are some things that I have done that have really helped me get through chemo. I’ve been very blessed with good health throughout my treatment. Since I started chemo, I’ve been in the hospital once, and that was for my leg surgery. I think that some of the habits I practice below have played a big part in why I’ve stayed healthy. I hope this helps anyone out there who may be struggling through treatment.


Drink, drink, drink.
The best things to drink are filtered water, decaf hot tea (green tea is best), unsweetened iced tea, and 1% or skim milk (I can’t take skim, but 1% is pretty good). I always keep my favorite “fizzy” drink on hand too – I like Coke. I try not to drink more than 8 ounces of Coke a day because of all the sugar. I like coffee with cream too, but I try to keep it down to two cups in the morning. It’s important to drink LOTS liquid because even though chemo works and I’m thrilled that it’s available to me, it’s still poison. You need to keep your system flushed out. It also helps your skin, which can get very dry during treatment.

I try to drink more water than anything, but sometimes, it can be tough when I’m nauseated. Lemons can help the water taste better and settle on my stomach easier. If you don’t eat lemons fast enough to keep fresh ones, you can buy a product called “True Lemon.” It’s dehydrated lemon powder with no sweetener. It tastes just like a fresh lemon in your water. Some people actually prefer this over fresh lemons, especially in restaurants where you aren’t sure where the lemons have been before they touch your glass. You can find “True Lemon” on discountcoffee.com or amazon.com.


Eat, eat eat.
Again, this is challenge sometimes. I went through a period when my whole mouth felt like it had been shaved. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I was sensitive to heat, spices, and worst of all, Coke! Even minty gum was about impossible. Even if all you can stand is a bowl of cereal, eat it several times a day to sustain yourself. I lived on scrambled eggs and soup for awhile when I struggled with mouth sensitivity. I love Campbell’s soup. Some criticize the salt content in it, but sometimes salty stuff can really curb nausea. Just experiment and don’t give up! There is something out there for everyone.


Wash!
Of course it’s a no-brainer to keep your hands clean. However, cleanliness should be a whole body experience. I take a shower every night before bed time. I don’t care if I’m nauseated, or if my leg is acting up. I drag my tired butt to the shower every night and lather up from head to toe. It’s especially important to wash the skin over your port if you have one, especially on chemo day when it’s been accessed. While it’s completely under your skin, I still think it’s important to keep that area clean.

I also moisturize from head to toe when I’m finished in the shower. This is difficult on evenings when I’m really tired, but so worth it. Chemo has made me dry all over , skin, eyes, nose, throat, everything. So moisturizing is very important, even though it takes more time.


Ask questions.
When I went through the mouth trouble, I just assumed that I would have to live with it, so ate a lot of popsicles and drank mild cold drinks like tea. However, when I mentioned the issue to my oncologist, he prescribed something called “magic mouthwash.” This prescription has 5-6 ingredients and is compounded fresh at the pharmacy. I know for sure that my formula had Maalox and a little Benedryl in it. I’m not sure what else was in it, but I could take a drink of it and then eat Indian food afterwards. Good stuff.

Another yucky side effect I’ve had is ugly finger and toe nails. One of the nurse practitioners recommended brushing tea tree oil on my nails. It whitened them up a bit and while they still don’t look great, they are better than they were. You can find this at GNC or Sally beauty supply stores. I’m sure Wal-Mart has it too. Wal-Mart has everything!

I’ve also struggled with sensitivity to band-aid adhesives. Once I pulled a bandaid off of an injured finger and the skin came off with it. A nurse introduced me to wipes called “Skin Prep” (can be found on Amazon.com). You wipe over the area of skin that will have tape on it, and the bandages and tape peel off very easily, leaving your skin irritation-free.


Be nice.
Keep in mind that you will see your doctor, nurses, and admin assistants a LOT. The experience is so much easier when you are nice. There have been times when I’ve had to wait a long time, especially at treatment. But treatment isn’t just walking into the cancer center and getting my drugs. They have to take my blood, send it to the hospital lab to ensure my counts are good enough to get chemo. After my blood work comes back, they fax the results to my oncologist across the street. He has to sign an “ok to treat” and send it back to the cancer center. So my appointment may be at 1:00, but actual “treatment” may not start until after 2:00. A lot of it is a waiting game, so you have to be patient. Cancer is the scariest, worst thing I’ve ever faced, but it doesn’t give me the right to be an asshole to anyone. The nicer I am, the better my experience is.


Be a warrior.
This may make you eye-roll, but I’m almost euphoric on chemo days. Before each treatment I say a prayer and ask God to bless the meds as they go into my body so they will kill the evil cancer. Then I ask Him to bless my body so it can accept all the meds. I try to go into each treatment (73 chemos and counting) with the attitude that it’s killing my cancer and that I will not let cancer take me. I think that my Christian faith has gotten me through this. Without God, I wouldn’t still be alive. I would either be dead, or want to be dead by now.

There are times when I have to make myself think positively, but I think that a good attitude goes a LONG way. You have to believe almost to the point of delusion that you are going to get better. I read all the stats from the American Cancer Society about stage iv breast cancer and they are not good. After reading it carefully, I threw that shit in the trash. No need to dwell on what could happen. I have to focus on what’s happening right now.

If your doctor is not encouraging enough, dump him/her. My oncologist has never told me I’m going to die, and he’s never given me the “You have _____ months to live…” speech, even when things were really bad. I don’t have an expiration date. God is in control and none of us is guaranteed tomorrow, no matter how healthy or careful we are.