Two years ago today, I had the mastectomy. Some people mark their diagnosis date, but I was pretty numb that day. I wasn't even upset on my diagnosis day (10/19/09). Breast cancer research gets tons of funding, lots of female celebrities have battled it, and I love pink. I thought I would just have a mastectomy do the "cautionary" round of chemo, and be done. I remember thinking that it was almost trendy, and I'd be back to work two weeks after the surgery, no biggie. Boy, was I in for a surprise.
Before the surgery, I'd never been in the hospital. I'd been to the emergency room twice for stitches, and the sickest I'd ever been was with chicken pox when I was five. We had to be at the hospital at 5 AM. We got checked in and I had to get completely undressed. I was not happy - I couldn't even wear my underwear. When they finally wheeled me off to surgery, I kissed my husband and said a silent prayer that everything would go okay.
When I woke up, I felt really hung over. I couldn't see or feel anything on my chest. It was all bandaged and numb. Then I found a drainage tube that was stitched in to my underarm - another big surprise! And I had to go home with it and wear it for a week!! Gross. The longer I laid in my hospital bed, the more nauseated I got. They gave me crackers and ginger ale, but my mouth was so dry, the crackers turned to stone. Less than an hour later, I was throwing up non-stop. The surgeon ordered some anti-nausea meds and they decided to keep me overnight. My sister said my skin looked gray.
The next day, a volunteer for Reach for Recovery came to visit me. I had asked for a visit before my surgery because I was really ignorant about what I would need post-surgery. She was so nice and she had been through it as well, so she knew what she was talking about. She gave me a bag with all kinds of helpful items such as a tie on apron-like thing to hold my drain. She also gave me a make-shift prosthetic to tide me over until I could get to the breast prosthesis office. That visit was a real blessing for me.
Before we left the hospital, a nurse came in and showed John how he could help me change my gauze. She wasn't hateful, but not very warm either. She untied my gown and ripped off the old gauze before I could even protest. John saw the incision before I could even try to cover myself. He didn't even react. I don't know what was going through his mind, but I was humiliated. I'm not sure why. I can out-burp and out-fart him any day of the week. When I had my last wisdom tooth cut out, I threw up all over his new car. He's never acted grossed out or turned off by me, even when he had every right to feel that way, haha!
When we got home, I was still feeling a little weak and woozy. I was dying to take a shower, so John stood guard in case I started feeling like I might fall. In the shower, I had to tape the drain tube's little bag to my chest because I was afraid to let it hang. It was loosely stitched in, but I was scared it would fall out. I didn't realize how deep it was in until the surgeon pulled it out a week later. That really hurt!!
My journey was just beginning and I was scared, but so ignorant and naive. I really thought I had caught it in time, even though my leg had been hurting for a month. I just couldn't fathom how cancer in my right breast could have spread to my left leg. Besides, I had done everything right. I found the lump, I scheduled an appt with my OB/GYN, I went for the mammogram. So of course I had caught it in time.
Two years later, I know more about breast cancer than I ever wanted to know. Even though it's been a tough journey and it probably will always be challenging, I really like how it's changed my life. I'm closer to God than I ever was before. I don't take the little things too seriously anymore. I know what's important in life now, and I thank God every day for giving me another day. I wouldn't trade the past two years for anything.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
My Family
I blogged about my husband last night. Tonight I'm going to blog about my family. My family is tiny, but we are super close and I'm so thankful for that.
My Sister Cat:
From birth, I've been mega close to my older sister Cat. She's definitely my best friend in the world, and I would be so lost without her. I thank my parents for instilling in both of us the importance of being good to each other, and being there for each other. We fought and argued some over the years, especially after I got old enough to make bad decisions that I knew Cat didn't agree with, haha. But overall, we've been super close. I can tell her anything. My husband is in court almost every day, so he isn't able to go to the oncologist or to chemo with me very much. My sister was with me when I got my diagnosis and learned I would need a mastectomy, then again when I learned that I hadn't caught the cancer in time. She was with me when I went to the orthopedic surgeon and learned that I would need leg surgery. I called her first when we found out that my cancer had spread again. I'm sure it killed her to hear all the bad news, but she was positive and strong through all of it. We always find a way to laugh through anything. One evening when I was in the wheelchair and feeling my worst, Cat came over and we downloaded ringtones for our phones together. We laughed until we cried. It felt so good to laugh! Cat always comes through for me. I hope we will be joking and laughing when we are in our eighties!
My Dad:
I've always been a daddy's girl. I know he loves Cat just as much, but me and dad always had a special bond. We are also very much alike, so we understand each other. Telling my parents I had breast cancer was so painful. It was harder than telling my husband. I'm the younger child, so I think they still see me as a 5 year old girl. My dad has felt pretty helpless during all of this drama, so whenever he can, he goes to the doctor and to chemo with me. So far, I've had about 60 chemo treatments and dad has gone with me to at least 50 of them. I know it's hard for him to see me sick, but he tries to make the experience more fun. At treatment, we always eat and talk, and I tell him gossip about people we both know, haha. It really makes the treatment go by much faster! Dad is very special to me, and the older he gets, the more he reminds me of his dad, who I also adored. I hope he's around for a long time, and I hope that I can stick around and be there for him when he needs me.
My Mom:
My mom always told me that I came to her at the perfect time. Her dad was dying when she found out she was pregnant with me. She was really close to her dad, so she was heartbroken knowing she was going to lose him. She said that at his funeral, she felt me move for the first time. Being pregnant gave her something to look forward to and something positive to focus on, rather than wallow in grief over her dad's death. She has taken my illness really hard. She hasn't been able to go to any doctor or chemo appointments with me. When I had my leg surgery last year, she couldn't see me in the hospital. She made it to the lobby, but then she had to stop. I don't know what it's like to be a mom, but I can't imagine how she feels now. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her though. She may not be able to go to the hospital or to doc appointments, but she always listens to me when I talk. I can talk to her about dying and being afraid to die sometimes. I can't talk to dad or my husband about that because they get too upset. I can tell my sister anything, but I've found that mom is my favorite to talk to about my faith, prayer, and my fears. Mom is also fearless about gross stuff. She's cleaned up my vomit and she even held a bed pan under me when I was hurting too bad to walk from my bed to the toilet. Now that is true love!!
My brother-in-law Anthony, my nephew Daniel, and my niece Emma:
Anthony has always been a good friend to me. When I got divorced from my first husband, Anthony was the only one in the family that had been through it. The rest of my family just didn't understand. They tried to be supportive, but Anthony knew how I felt. He moved all of my furniture out of my house and into my new apartment and he took up for me when my parents gave me a hard time for leaving my house with the ex behind. After my diagnosis, he even went with me to a few chemo appointments. His mom also fought breast cancer (and won!!) so he could relate to my feelings about being sick too. I'm glad that he married my sister and I consider him a true brother, not just an in-law.
Daniel is getting ready to turn 12. It's hard to believe because I remember holding him in the hospital on the day he was born. Now, he can almost pick me up! Daniel is such a sweet and sensitive boy. He's always ready to give me hug, no matter what's going on or where we are. I adore him. He knows all about my illness and that I could die. Last year he wrote a paper for a school assignment titled My Greatest Wish, and his greatest wish was to have a cure for cancer for me. I carry it in my purse. Cat says he doesn't like to talk about it much though.
Emma is 5 and she's so full of spirit. She was only 3 when I was diagnosed, but when I lost all my hair and was in the wheelchair, she asked me if I was going to die. I just said, "not today!" and she was satisfied with that. For her age, she's really handled this well. She doesn't freak out when she sees me without my wig, and the cane doesn't seem to bother her either. She likes to use it as a play microphone, haha.
I pray every night that I live long enough to see the kids grow up. They are so precious to me.
I have other family, but they are spread out all over the country. My parents and my sister and her family are the only close family I have, but they are very special to me. I'm so thankful to have them!
My Sister Cat:
From birth, I've been mega close to my older sister Cat. She's definitely my best friend in the world, and I would be so lost without her. I thank my parents for instilling in both of us the importance of being good to each other, and being there for each other. We fought and argued some over the years, especially after I got old enough to make bad decisions that I knew Cat didn't agree with, haha. But overall, we've been super close. I can tell her anything. My husband is in court almost every day, so he isn't able to go to the oncologist or to chemo with me very much. My sister was with me when I got my diagnosis and learned I would need a mastectomy, then again when I learned that I hadn't caught the cancer in time. She was with me when I went to the orthopedic surgeon and learned that I would need leg surgery. I called her first when we found out that my cancer had spread again. I'm sure it killed her to hear all the bad news, but she was positive and strong through all of it. We always find a way to laugh through anything. One evening when I was in the wheelchair and feeling my worst, Cat came over and we downloaded ringtones for our phones together. We laughed until we cried. It felt so good to laugh! Cat always comes through for me. I hope we will be joking and laughing when we are in our eighties!
My Dad:
I've always been a daddy's girl. I know he loves Cat just as much, but me and dad always had a special bond. We are also very much alike, so we understand each other. Telling my parents I had breast cancer was so painful. It was harder than telling my husband. I'm the younger child, so I think they still see me as a 5 year old girl. My dad has felt pretty helpless during all of this drama, so whenever he can, he goes to the doctor and to chemo with me. So far, I've had about 60 chemo treatments and dad has gone with me to at least 50 of them. I know it's hard for him to see me sick, but he tries to make the experience more fun. At treatment, we always eat and talk, and I tell him gossip about people we both know, haha. It really makes the treatment go by much faster! Dad is very special to me, and the older he gets, the more he reminds me of his dad, who I also adored. I hope he's around for a long time, and I hope that I can stick around and be there for him when he needs me.
My Mom:
My mom always told me that I came to her at the perfect time. Her dad was dying when she found out she was pregnant with me. She was really close to her dad, so she was heartbroken knowing she was going to lose him. She said that at his funeral, she felt me move for the first time. Being pregnant gave her something to look forward to and something positive to focus on, rather than wallow in grief over her dad's death. She has taken my illness really hard. She hasn't been able to go to any doctor or chemo appointments with me. When I had my leg surgery last year, she couldn't see me in the hospital. She made it to the lobby, but then she had to stop. I don't know what it's like to be a mom, but I can't imagine how she feels now. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her though. She may not be able to go to the hospital or to doc appointments, but she always listens to me when I talk. I can talk to her about dying and being afraid to die sometimes. I can't talk to dad or my husband about that because they get too upset. I can tell my sister anything, but I've found that mom is my favorite to talk to about my faith, prayer, and my fears. Mom is also fearless about gross stuff. She's cleaned up my vomit and she even held a bed pan under me when I was hurting too bad to walk from my bed to the toilet. Now that is true love!!
My brother-in-law Anthony, my nephew Daniel, and my niece Emma:
Anthony has always been a good friend to me. When I got divorced from my first husband, Anthony was the only one in the family that had been through it. The rest of my family just didn't understand. They tried to be supportive, but Anthony knew how I felt. He moved all of my furniture out of my house and into my new apartment and he took up for me when my parents gave me a hard time for leaving my house with the ex behind. After my diagnosis, he even went with me to a few chemo appointments. His mom also fought breast cancer (and won!!) so he could relate to my feelings about being sick too. I'm glad that he married my sister and I consider him a true brother, not just an in-law.
Daniel is getting ready to turn 12. It's hard to believe because I remember holding him in the hospital on the day he was born. Now, he can almost pick me up! Daniel is such a sweet and sensitive boy. He's always ready to give me hug, no matter what's going on or where we are. I adore him. He knows all about my illness and that I could die. Last year he wrote a paper for a school assignment titled My Greatest Wish, and his greatest wish was to have a cure for cancer for me. I carry it in my purse. Cat says he doesn't like to talk about it much though.
Emma is 5 and she's so full of spirit. She was only 3 when I was diagnosed, but when I lost all my hair and was in the wheelchair, she asked me if I was going to die. I just said, "not today!" and she was satisfied with that. For her age, she's really handled this well. She doesn't freak out when she sees me without my wig, and the cane doesn't seem to bother her either. She likes to use it as a play microphone, haha.
I pray every night that I live long enough to see the kids grow up. They are so precious to me.
I have other family, but they are spread out all over the country. My parents and my sister and her family are the only close family I have, but they are very special to me. I'm so thankful to have them!
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