My Wonderful Pets

I’ve always been an animal lover. When I was a kid, my parents had to watch me very closely because I would run up to any animal with open arms. When I was four, I approached a huge dog with a bad temper and got a nasty bite on my forehead. The scar still glows pink whenever I cry or over-exert myself. Even a bad experience didn’t stop me from loving animals, especially dogs.  

In October 2002, I got Peyton, my Shih Tzu dog. He has been absolutely precious from day one. He’s very cute, cuddly, and extremely tolerant. Whenever I am sitting or laying down, he’s right beside of me, as close to me as he can get. When I get up to walk around, he’s right behind me. If I don’t hear the “tap tap tap” of those little nails on the wood floor, I get worried and wonder where he is.  

In the Fall of 2003 (I can’t remember the exact month/day), I got Shelly my cat. My former manager gave her to me because Shelly was not meshing with the other cat in my manager’s house. I remember bringing her home in her carrier and sitting her on the bed. I just opened the door and let her come out on her own.  As soon as she came out of the carrier, we bonded and we’ve been big buddies ever since.  

My pets have been very entertaining and comforting for me over the years. They’ve been with me through divorce, moving, re-marriage, and sickness. When me and John went on our first official date, he met my pets and I told him point blank “love me, love my pets…” He was raised around dogs, so he bonded with both animals, Shelly first. Peyton was a little more protective and guarded regarding me, but after a day or two, he warmed up to John and learned to trust him. 

Peyton just turned 10 and Shelly turned 9 in June. I know that technically, they are both considered “seniors.” It scares me to think about that because they are with me all the time, so I know I’ll be lost for awhile when their time comes.  

Tuesday night while I was at my breast cancer support group meeting, Shelly got very sick. John called me in a panic and said that every breath was difficult and she was making weird hiccup noises. Well, Shelly is very hairy and sheds a LOT, so at first I just brushed it off as a hair ball. However, when I got home and saw her, I knew right away it was no hair ball. She could barely walk and she was so weak. She never lets us carry her for longer than 30 seconds, yet she let John carry her and hold her. We decided to take her to the vet. We called ahead so they would be expecting us. They met us at the door and took her back immediately. They said that she was in severe respiratory distress and that cats do not handle breathing trouble very well. They said she might not even make it through the night. They took chest x-rays which revealed several lesions on Shelly’s lungs. My heart sank. All the stupid cancer crap that’s been going on with me hasn’t been enough?? Now my poor helpless cat has it too?? We were devastated.

Yesterday morning, we brought her from the emergency vet to our regular vet, who consulted a veterinary oncologist at UT in Knoxville. My vet kept her all day yesterday and medicated/observed her. The vet onco at UT read her x-rays and told my vet that he was very confident it was NOT cancer. In fact, they really are not sure what those spots are. They are mineralized, almost like bone and could be scar tissue. The vet said there was a very remote possibility that Shelly had bone cancer and that it had metastasized to her lungs, but the x-rays showing her bones don’t support that theory. So he diagnosed her with asthma and said that Tuesday night’s episode was a severe asthma attack. If we hadn’t gotten her to the emergency vet when we did, she would have died. So now, she’s on steroids and antibiotics. She’s feeling much better.  

I was fully expecting not to bring Shelly home from the vet yesterday. I thought for sure that the onco vet would come back with a cancer diagnosis. I had already made up my mind that I would not put her through any harsh treatment. She was suffering so badly Tuesday night that we almost authorized the emergency vet to put her to sleep. However, I wanted our regular vet to see her and give his opinion. I’m so relieved that she does not have cancer and as long as she lets me give her the meds, she can survive a long time with asthma.  

People that don’t have pets probably won’t understand this post and may even roll their eyes. That’s okay. I know that animals are not humans and losing a pet is certainly not the same as losing a human family member. But pets are loyal companions that love their owners unconditionally. My pets have been so therapeutic for me, especially since I’ve been sick. I know that someday it will be their time to pass on. But for now, I’m enjoying every minute I have with them.

Weak Moments and Time to Think

I'm on medical leave from work to recover from the hip surgery, so I've had lots of time on my hands. While that can be a good thing (time to watch favorite shows and movies, pay bills, hold my dog, etc), it can also be a bad thing. I think about everything that can go wrong. What if I get blood clots in my leg because I'm sitting more? What if my length difference comes back for some weird reason? What will I do if the PT doesn't work and I never walk correctly again? What if next month's scan shows new tumors and I have to go back to chemo after almost 6 months of freedom? If I do have to go back to chemo, what if it doesn't work and I die this time? Then I just have to calm down and remember that God is in control. Nobody is guaranteed the next minute, no matter how healthy they are. We have to live for now and appreciate every bit of time we are given.

About three and a half years ago, I was really burnt out at work. I was almost at the point of applying for jobs in totally different fields with other companies, just to get out and have some change. I prayed and asked God, "What is my purpose in life??" It seemed that all I ever did was work, eat, and sleep. All I did during that time was complain about how stressed I was. My family relied on me a lot as well, so one night, in a moment of anger and frustration, I vented to my husband. I said that I would be screwed if I got sick, because I took care of everyone, and nobody would ever step up to help me, and they never helped me anyway. This rant was untrue, but in fits of anger, we often say things that are mean and false. I also joked with a co-worker that a medical leave might be fun if we could choose an easy illness like a broken leg - yes, I actually joked that being on medical leave for a broken leg would be fun. Scary isn't it?

Not long after my angry tirades and multiple jokes about going on medical leave for an "easy" broken leg, I got my breast cancer diagnosis. I never imagined that breast cancer would break my leg and cause 3 years of drama. Things went from bad to worse to horrible in a matter of weeks. By Christmas 2009, I was bedridden and in constant pain. Suddenly, a little work stress or helping a family member didn't seem so bad. All of my independence was gone and I had to rely on someone else for everything, even getting a glass of water. I went from being almost completely independent and in control to being helpless and terrified.

Over the past 3 years, I've learned to focus on the good stuff. If I have a stressful situation in my life or at work, I say a prayer and just do my best. It's so much easier to hand things over to God, rather than stewing over situations that can't be helped. I hate cancer and wish I would have never gotten sick. However, it's been such an eye-opener for me. I feel closer to God now than ever before, and my personal and professional relationships are much more positive. I've also learned to appreciate every little thing, like being able to take a shower without help, and walking to the kitchen to get my own drinks! Trusting in God always pays off. My glass is not half full. It's running over!

More Setbacks, More Blessings

Warning, this is a LONG post. There are lots of updates! Over the past few months, I’ve experienced some setbacks, but there have been blessings with each of them.  

First Update – My Leg:

My blog posts are never complete without an update or complaint about my leg. After the mastectomy in May, I decided to go back to PT to get my leg into shape. The PT recommended that I go back to my orthopedic surgeon for x-rays, just to ensure the hardware was in the right place, doing what it was supposed to be doing. So in June, I had x-rays and learned that the screw in my hip had actually moved. This was not the surgeon’s fault or defective hardware. The ball of my hip was simply too weak from disease to support the hardware, and the screw moved from the center of the bone to the top of the bone. The ortho surgeon told me that no PT would help me at this point and the only way to achieve quality with my leg was to remove all of the old hardware (the rod in my femur and the screws in my hip and knee) and have a full hip replacement. So he referred me to a surgeon in Kingsport who specializes in weird bone injuries. 

 

Second Update – My Teeth:

I’ve never had fabulous teeth, but since I’ve had cancer, I’ve been on bone strengthening meds. You are not allowed to have dental work while on bone strengthening meds because of rare but super serious side effects that can cause your jaw bone to break down. I’ve been off the bone meds since January 2012 so I can have a few things done while I’m on chemo break. Since I needed to get dental clearance for my hip replacement surgery anyway, I made an appointment. About 5 years ago I had a root canal and crown on one of my molars. The dentist discovered that the root canal failed and the only option for the tooth was to have it extracted. While the dentist was looking at the x-ray he saw a shadow, so he did an orbital x-ray of the whole mouth/neck area. So for about ten minutes, I thought that maybe my cancer had spread to that area of my mouth. I was terrified. Thank God it was just a pocket of infection. After a round of antibiotics, I was able to have the crown removed, and the tooth extracted. This delayed my surgery for a while, but it was worth it to get the tooth taken care of. Once I’m completely healed, I can get a bridge or an implant to replace it.

 

Third Update – My Dad:

My dad went to his doctor in July and learned that he had a defective heart valve.  So me, mom, and my sister went with dad for his heart catheterization test. They checked him into the hospital on Wednesday July 18 and determined the same day he needed a new aortic valve AND triple bypass. So they scheduled my dad’s surgery for Friday July 20. During this time, everyone’s plans and lives pretty much stopped. We were worried and scared for him. After spending 6 hours in surgery, the heart surgeon told us that it was a success. So we went home to nap and clean up. A few hours later, the surgeon called my cell phone and said they were rushing dad back to the OR because he was bleeding and they could not figure out why. It turns out that one of his bypasses sprung a leak and he lost almost 3 pints of blood. After a few scary hours, he was transferred back to the cardiac ICU. By Sunday, July 22, dad was transferred to a normal room and he spent the next few days resting and healing. They released him on Thursday July 26. He is still recovering, but he’s getting a little stronger each week.

 

Fourth Update – The Hip Replacement Surgery:

After my dad’s surgery and my dental drama were over, I was finally able to get my doctor/dental clearances in to the specialty ortho surgeon and get my hip surgery on the calendar. It was on August 17. I’m thrilled to report that I have pretty much all of my length back in my “bad” leg. There may end up being a slight length difference, but an insert in ANY pair of shoes will do the trick. No more specially built up shoes for that leg, yay! The surgeon told me that I have a cobalt chrome hip replacement and that it has the same probability of breaking as a bowling ball. That sounds good to me!

The first week after surgery was horrible. I had 46 staples in my leg, starting at my butt and going almost to my knee. Every move I made felt like the skin was ripping. In the hospital the first time getting out of bed was excruciating. I also lost a lot of blood during the surgery, so I needed some blood transfusions before they would release me. I was released on Monday August 20. Once I got home, I could not take a shower because I couldn’t get the staples wet. I had a hard time sleeping at night because I’m not allowed to sleep on my side for 6 weeks. So the first week was full of pain, swelling, and awkward moving. My husband had to help me dress /undress, and get into/out of bed. So the first week was depressing and frustrating. When I wasn’t totally drugged on Percocet, I was crying and worrying.

The second week was much better. I still had staples for part of the second week, but once I had my follow-up appt and had them removed, I felt much better.

I’m now in the third week and home health PT is helping me learn how to walk normally again. It’s going to be a long process, but I’m slowly improving. I just have to keep on working on it, and I have to remember to be patient.

 

Blessings:

It’s been a crazy summer, but I’ve been reminded over and over again that God’s timing is absolutely perfect. In May, I went to the same PT as my sister because she talked about how great he was. If he hadn’t suggested that I go back to the ortho surgeon for x-rays, I probably wouldn’t have thought to do it. So I owe him big time! If I hadn’t had dental drama, I may have been in the middle of my own surgery and recovery when dad had his heart drama. I wouldn’t have been able to visit him or be there for him at all. If I had gone to my ortho surgeon for x-rays during chemo, I would have had to wait for the hip surgery anyway. Being on a chemo break has allowed me to heal without weirdness. I’m almost completely healed already, so hopefully there won’t be a year of gauzing up my leg like the last time.

I learned some pretty amazing news regarding the cancer at my follow-up appointment too. They sent the damaged hip ball that was removed to pathology after the surgery, and there was no cancer on it. Typically, spots on the bones do not go away. This is a miracle. When I learned the cancer had spread to my bones, the hip area was the worst spot. Now, almost three years later, pathology says that they don’t see any cancer.

I feel very blessed. Even with all the weirdness this summer, everything has just fallen into place and worked out perfectly. God is always right here, wrapping His arms around me during the scary times, and holding my hand during the good times.

Updates

I haven't posted a health update in awhile. Honestly, sometimes I'm afraid to say good stuff out loud, which is probably silly. I don't believe in "jinxing" myself. So here it goes.

I had a scan in at the end of March and it showed clear organs and stable bone mets. So for 2 full months, I've been on a chemo break. My schedule is full too. I'm catching up on all the things that I couldn't do while in chemo: dental work, more intense physical therapy for my leg, and another mastectomy.

Having my other breast removed was my idea. Although the breast was healthy, let's face it: breasts come in a set. You either have two, or you have none. Back in October 2009, it crossed my mind for about 2 seconds to have them both removed at the same time. However, at the time, things were moving so fast and the situation was pretty dire. In a way, I'm glad I didn't have them both done at the same time. The right breast removal was a radical mastectomy and required more recovery time. It was also my first hospital visit ever, and frankly, it was not fun. I didn't realize that anesthesia made me throw up non-stop, so that coupled with two drain tubes instead of one would have stunk. Plus, mobility in my arms is limited for about two weeks post surgery. It's nice to have at least one good arm. So even though I needed an extra surgery, I guess I don't regret waiting until a few weeks ago to have the left breast removed. I'm going back to work this week, and I'm really excited! I've had my fill of internet, reading, and watching The Cooking Channel. :o)

As far as treatment goes, I'm on Arimidex, a daily pill. I'm also taking Zoladex, a monthly shot. So far, the only side effects are hot flashes. I had those the whole time I was in chemo, so it's not a big deal. However, these two drugs have officially put me into menopause. I've not had a period since Christmas 2009, but knowing that my child bearing days are truly over and I'll never have a biological child bothers me a little. As soon as I knew I had metastatic disease, I realized that I would never have a baby. After more than one hundred chemos, having a baby probably wouldn't have been good for my body anyway. Plus, who knows if the kid would have weird issues, like an extra ear or 6 toes on each foot, haha. I know I'm just being silly, but I have to keeping laughing. It's good therapy.

Still, I can't help but think of something my mom has said many times. She's always been very vocal about how happy she is to have two daughters, which makes me feel good. She always makes it very clear how much she loves me and Cat, and that she would be so lonely without us. Again, I appreciate that my mom loves me so much and I love her too. She has a good heart. But it still makes me wonder - if I live to be an old woman, will I be all alone? I pray every night that God heal my body and use me to do His work. Well, what if He says yes to my prayer and I out live everyone? Do I really want to be the last one standing? My grandmother (mom's mother) was 92 when she died. She was the oldest of 5 kids. She outlived them. She buried her mom, dad, stepmom (who was younger than her), and husband. She outlived at least 3 pastors that she wanted to preach her funeral - she made her funeral plans a looooooong time before she died. I'm sure she had plenty of sad times with all of the losses she experienced, but she was tough.

When I start thinking too much, I just pray and try to remember that God is control, not me. Frankly, I'm glad I'm not in control. It's too much pressure! No matter what happens, I plan to fight until I take my last breath. I'm thankful for every day and try to live my life as normally as possible. God's plan is perfect, so I'm excited about the future, no matter what happens.

Blessings

God always hears and answers our prayers. We just don’t always get the answer we want, when we want it. God’s purpose is not for our instant gratification. His plan is perfect and we are on His timeline. It’s hard to remember that when there are hard times and pain.

When I was first diagnosed, I prayed that I had caught the cancer early. I hadn’t. When I had radiation on my leg and had to be in a wheelchair because of severe inflammation, I prayed every day for the pain to go away. It didn’t. When I prayed that the chemo was working to get the cancer under control, the cancer spread more. When I prayed that physical therapy would get my bad leg back in shape, my leg broke and I needed emergency surgery. After the surgery, I had to go back to chemo immediately, and my largest surgical incision re-opened. I prayed for the incision to close quickly. It stayed open for over a year. During all of this, I developed severely dry eyes and almost went blind in my left eye from a corneal ulcer.

Looking back at all the weirdness and setbacks, I have to remember blessings with each one. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people in chemo. Throughout chemo, I’ve been able to eat anything I want. Having a bad leg has helped me to slow down and learn to depend on others. My eye troubles taught me to get my eyes checked every year, and not to write off symptoms as “just normal side effects.” When my liver had several tumors, I never felt abdominal pain or had abnormal liver panels. While my hip incision was open, I never had an infection. I try to remember all the scary times whenever I feel sorry for myself. God is always with me, no matter what.

Good News

I had a scan at the end of January and got the results last week. My organs look great, including my liver. Everything was "unremarkable" and "clear." Very good words in scan world. Last year, my liver was clear for the most part. It seemed that every other scan, one of the liver lesions would show its ugly head again. But this time, I got the all clear! Of course I still have bone mets and probably always will. But the bone mets that the scan could see are stable.

My doctor wants me to stay in chemo until my next set of scans (probably end of March or April) because my tumor marker number keeps going up. Thankfully in January, it only increased from 163 to 166. So I'm hoping that the next few months of chemo will make it fall. However, if my next scans look as good as January's, we are going to talk about taking a chemo break. Yay!

My Vitamix

All of my friends, family, and co-workers have been subjected to my dramatic and energetic raves about my Vitamix. All you have to do is mention it to me, and I will start talking non-stop about how the Vitamix changed my life.

The Vitamix is a kitchen appliance that looks like a blender. However, it's so much more than just a blender. It can crush a whole container of ice in 3 seconds. It can make smoothies, soups, dressings, milks (from nuts, rice, sesame seeds, etc), nut butters, hummus, and flours from grains.

Before my cancer diagnosis, I never struggled with health issues or weight problems. I ate anything and everything that is gross and bad for you. If the food was drenched in gravy or butter, I would eat it. I hated most vegetables and refused to even try new food that might be good for me. Shortly after my diagnosis when things seemed to get worse, I continued to eat badly. As hopeful as I was trying to be, I honestly thought I would die soon, so I ate whatever I wanted. After I broke my leg and had surgery, my health started to improve. I decided that it was time to make some major changes in my diet.

I found the Vitamix ad by accident in one of my food magazines, and I was instantly intrigued. The $500+ price tag was not attractive though. I wouldn't even consider spending that much money so I put the idea of buying one out of my head. A few months passed and I was struggling through trying to get my daily required fruits and veggies. In fact, I was failing miserably. I desperately wanted to do better, but I just felt overwhelmed. So I went back to the Vitamix website and bought the machine. After all, I pay good money for Clinique skin care and Bare Minerals makeup. Why not buy a machine that is going to help me make healthier meals for me and my husband?

After the machine arrived, I read the instruction manual, watched the DVD, and scanned the cookbook that came with it. I tried something easy first: a strawberry smoothie. I was amazed at how quickly the blender processed all the ingredients; it even pulverized the little seeds on the strawberries! I drank the smoothie and loved it. After that, I decided to move on to veggies. I got brave and tried a "green smoothie" with bananas, pineapples, and spinach. Much to my delight, I couldn't even taste the spinach.

After a few months of fruit smoothies with "hidden" veggies, I decided to try soup. I've read that broccoli is a cancer fighter, so I tried a broccoli soup recipe. I steamed a head of broccoli for 8 minutes, and then placed it in the machine. Then I added chicken broth, cheese, and a little milk. I was a little squeamish at first, but I loved it!

I've had my Vitamix almost a year, and here is the best part about it. Although I still drink my smoothies every day, I actually crave whole veggies now. I still like to make my broccoli soup, but now I can eat steamed broccoli straight up. Tonight, I made kale salad and ate two helpings! I don't feel like I have to "hide" the veggies as much as I used to. If someone had told me a few years ago that I would be eating more fruits and veggies and less nasty food, I would have laughed out loud. The bottom line is, if I can do it, anyone can do it. I was the ultimate junk food junkie. I don't have a doubt that better eating habits have helped me tolerate the chemo better, and given my immune system a boost.

If you want to buy a Vitamix, I would recommend buying one from their website (www.vitamix.com) so you can have the full warranty, just in case something goes wrong. Mine performs just as good today as it did on the first day I got it, but you never know. Also be sure to use code 06-007846 to get free shipping (a $25 value).