I'm so happy that my health is improving and soooo thankful to God. Although this is a topic that nobody likes to talk about, it needs to be discussed. If you die tomorrow, are you ready to go? Spiritually, I'm ready. I've been a Christian since I was 11, and I have no doubt that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. My soul is ready, and for that, I feel a great deal of peace.
But how about all the every day tasks that you and those around you take for granted? For example, I write out all of our bills. I have our car insurance auto-bill to my Susuan G Komen Visa every month, but I don't even think I've told John about that. Forgetting little things like that could really mess John up if I die tomorrow. However, John doesn't like to talk about life "post-Amy" as I call it. Soooo, I made a folder on my laptop titled, "The End" and whenever I think of something useful, I put it in this file. So far, I have a document with as many of my online usernames and passwords that I can think of. In another document, I have some final wishes such as asking John to make sure my funeral is in the evening so my work buds can come.
My sister Cat was widowed suddenly at the way too young age of 25. She handled herself so gracefully, but it was very difficult for her. She had been married to her first love for only a year, but they had been together almost ten years. Yet, they had never discussed anything regarding final wishes, funeral arrangements, life insurance, etc. Her husband battled Hodgkins Disease in his early 20's and once he got a clean bill of health, he never went back to the doctor, and he never wanted to talk about sickness or death, period. Cat was lost and scrambled to make arrangements that she thought he would like and his family would approve of. Thank God our father stepped in and provided her with help and support only a dad can give.
So, as depressing or grim as it may sound, think about making a file of some kind. Life can change in the blink of an eye, and none of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Anytime I think of something, I go to the folder and find the appropriate file, or create a new one. I have three documents of stuff so far, believe it or not!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Update - Good News!
Well, I got a big scare on Thursday 5/18. My oncologist called and asked me to go to the hospital Friday morning for a CAT scan. It freaked me out because we had already scheduled a scan for June 7. I figured he must have seen something freaky with my blood work . So, I went at 7:30 Friday morning and had the scan. I prayed a LOT and just tried to focus on resting and family over the weekend. The time really flew by too, I was a little suprised.
Today at 10:00 I had my results appointment and I was trying really hard not to think of New Year's Eve, 2009. That is the day that I found out the cancer was out of control and I had multiple - I believe they actually said more than they could count - lesions on the right lobe of my liver. I was trying to just put that day out of my head and think positively. So Dr Ryan came in and told me that the scans looked good! My liver is clear and bone mets are stable. I was a little stunned and was waiting for the "but..." but there was no "but..." My tumor marker number went up little last week. It was in the 70s and jumped up to the 90s so he just wanted to get the scan done and see if something was happening. Lots of things play into the tumor marker though. Sometimes when your body is fighing a cold or infection, the number can jump. I’ve also been working out on my elliptical, so I may have inflammed my leg. Sometimes I get a little overzealous on the machine and end up sore. Inflammation can also affect that number.
I had one more chemo left in this cycle, so I went ahead and had it today. In two weeks, I'll start a daily pill (Tamoxifen). Once a month, I'll have intravenous bone strengthening meds (Zometa). Both drugs have cancer fighting qualities, so I'm still on a treatment plan, just not chemo. It's going to be nice to have a break! I'll get my eyelashes back!
I'm also going back to physical therapy. I had the leg surgery over a year ago and I'm still very dependent on the cane. I favor my "good" leg way too much and I've developed terrible habits when I walk and stand. I need help! So in the next week or so, I'll start back in PT and working to walk without help. I'm a little nervous, but more excited than anything. Me and my husband are going to Albany in August to visit his dad. One day during the visit, I'd love to go back down to NYC.. It would be awesome to do it gimp-free. :o)
The power of prayer is an amazing thing. God is the reason for all of this. Without Him, there would be no advanced medicine, oncologists, and researchers trying to find a cure for cancer. I keep praying for His perfect will to be done in my life and to use me in the best possible way as a Christian. Now I just need to listen to Him. I'm still pretty hard-headed and stubborn. I need to remember that His plan may not always be the easiest path. I just need to pray for strength and keep on going!
Today at 10:00 I had my results appointment and I was trying really hard not to think of New Year's Eve, 2009. That is the day that I found out the cancer was out of control and I had multiple - I believe they actually said more than they could count - lesions on the right lobe of my liver. I was trying to just put that day out of my head and think positively. So Dr Ryan came in and told me that the scans looked good! My liver is clear and bone mets are stable. I was a little stunned and was waiting for the "but..." but there was no "but..." My tumor marker number went up little last week. It was in the 70s and jumped up to the 90s so he just wanted to get the scan done and see if something was happening. Lots of things play into the tumor marker though. Sometimes when your body is fighing a cold or infection, the number can jump. I’ve also been working out on my elliptical, so I may have inflammed my leg. Sometimes I get a little overzealous on the machine and end up sore. Inflammation can also affect that number.
I had one more chemo left in this cycle, so I went ahead and had it today. In two weeks, I'll start a daily pill (Tamoxifen). Once a month, I'll have intravenous bone strengthening meds (Zometa). Both drugs have cancer fighting qualities, so I'm still on a treatment plan, just not chemo. It's going to be nice to have a break! I'll get my eyelashes back!
I'm also going back to physical therapy. I had the leg surgery over a year ago and I'm still very dependent on the cane. I favor my "good" leg way too much and I've developed terrible habits when I walk and stand. I need help! So in the next week or so, I'll start back in PT and working to walk without help. I'm a little nervous, but more excited than anything. Me and my husband are going to Albany in August to visit his dad. One day during the visit, I'd love to go back down to NYC.. It would be awesome to do it gimp-free. :o)
The power of prayer is an amazing thing. God is the reason for all of this. Without Him, there would be no advanced medicine, oncologists, and researchers trying to find a cure for cancer. I keep praying for His perfect will to be done in my life and to use me in the best possible way as a Christian. Now I just need to listen to Him. I'm still pretty hard-headed and stubborn. I need to remember that His plan may not always be the easiest path. I just need to pray for strength and keep on going!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Scan Results
Well, it turns out that one of my liver lesions decided to stick around. Perhaps the January scan didn't see it (the lesion is small thank God). My oncologist wants to be as cautious as possible. Rather than just putting me on Tamoxifen and watch it, he wants me to do two more rounds of chemo and see if it either shrinks or completely disapperas.
I'm disappointed, but also thankful that I have a serious doctor. I would rather go through six more treaments than to come back in a few months with another January 2010 situation. So I'll weather the treatments and keep on praying. Dr Ryan (my oncologist) wants me to know that this isn't a set back. I'm still improving, tolerating treatment very well, and we are just being safe. It's important to stay either caught up or ahead of this mean disease. He is still very hopeful that in the coming months, I can go on Tamoxifen and get a chemo break. It sure was better than hearing that I'd be in chemo "indefinitely" - that was the news in January 2010. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm very hopeful and know that God is with me no matter what. He walks with me during the good times and carries me through the tough times. Six treatments seems like nothing, considering I've been in chemo since November '09, haha! Honestly, it's really not so bad. They've made lots of improvements with anti-nauasea stuff, so I can still eat lots of good food! :o) If I ever stop eating, that’s when people should worry. I think I’m in the rare group of people that has actually gained weight during all of this!
I'm disappointed, but also thankful that I have a serious doctor. I would rather go through six more treaments than to come back in a few months with another January 2010 situation. So I'll weather the treatments and keep on praying. Dr Ryan (my oncologist) wants me to know that this isn't a set back. I'm still improving, tolerating treatment very well, and we are just being safe. It's important to stay either caught up or ahead of this mean disease. He is still very hopeful that in the coming months, I can go on Tamoxifen and get a chemo break. It sure was better than hearing that I'd be in chemo "indefinitely" - that was the news in January 2010. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm very hopeful and know that God is with me no matter what. He walks with me during the good times and carries me through the tough times. Six treatments seems like nothing, considering I've been in chemo since November '09, haha! Honestly, it's really not so bad. They've made lots of improvements with anti-nauasea stuff, so I can still eat lots of good food! :o) If I ever stop eating, that’s when people should worry. I think I’m in the rare group of people that has actually gained weight during all of this!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Is the End (of Chemo) Near?
Last week's chemo could be my last. I'm so happy I could explode. The thought of getting my eyelashes and eyebrows back makes me very happy. I'm also excited about getting normal fingernails and toenails again. Right now I look like that guy from the movie “Powder” and it’s not a good look, haha. I don't really care about my head hair though. I've gotten spoiled not having to straighten and style my hair every day so the wig has been nice! When my hair comes back, I’m keeping it short. I'm trying really hard not to get too excited though. I've seen/heard how mean cancer can be and it always comes back. Some day, whether it's next Tuesday, next year, or five years from now, I'll likely be back in chemo again. BUT, at least there are lots of treatment options available for me. I can't imagine what it would feel like for my doctor to tell me that there is nothing else he can do. He's never come close to saying that. He always points out that if I have a recurrence, there are lots of options. So I keep thinking positive thoughts, praying, and trying to keep my body healthy and ready to fight.
I had a CAT scan today, so I guess that's why emotions are high right now. I'll find out the results on Tuesday 4/12. I've been feeling good and haven't had any new symptoms. In addition, since my liver was declared clear, I've remained in the same treatment. I really doubt I have new growth anywhere. However, the fear is still there and I guess that will never go away.
My leg continues to be a pain in the butt - and back, haha. I'm still on a cane, but I get around pretty good. I'm working in the office almost every day and I go out with my husband and family. Life goes on, and I want it to be as normal as possible. So I just keep going.
Hmm, just keep going. That reminds me of a weird experience I had very early in my journey. Right after the first mammogram, they called me back to take a second look. While I was in the waiting room, I was totally unconcerned and actually felt guilty for sitting among so many sickly women. I felt unworthy to even be in the same room because I was convinced there was nothing wrong with me. Well, an elderly woman was sitting across from me with her daughter. It was obvious that her daughter was a BC survivor because she had what I now have: a bulge on one side and total flatness on the other. The daughter did not talk but her mom told me all about her daughter's experience and how she was back because she had found a lump in her remaining breast. Then she looked directly into my eyes and said, "never never never give up, no matter what..." I looked at her for a second, not really knowing how to respond. After all, I wasn't sick dammit. I was there for a second look, just to be safe. But she meant well, so I smiled and said "thank you very much" and kept smiling. She was sweet, so I didn't want to be dismissive or rude. Several months later after I had the mastectomy, found out that I hadn't caught it in time, and realized I was probably going to die from breast cancer, I thought of that woman. I realized that her daughter never talked to her or even looked to her left to acknowledge her mother's presence. Then I thought, could she have been an angel? Was I the only one who could see her or hear her? I didn't think anything about it at the time, but I've thought a LOT about it over the past year. It gives me great comfort to think of her, whether she was an angel or not. She was right. Never give up!
I had a CAT scan today, so I guess that's why emotions are high right now. I'll find out the results on Tuesday 4/12. I've been feeling good and haven't had any new symptoms. In addition, since my liver was declared clear, I've remained in the same treatment. I really doubt I have new growth anywhere. However, the fear is still there and I guess that will never go away.
My leg continues to be a pain in the butt - and back, haha. I'm still on a cane, but I get around pretty good. I'm working in the office almost every day and I go out with my husband and family. Life goes on, and I want it to be as normal as possible. So I just keep going.
Hmm, just keep going. That reminds me of a weird experience I had very early in my journey. Right after the first mammogram, they called me back to take a second look. While I was in the waiting room, I was totally unconcerned and actually felt guilty for sitting among so many sickly women. I felt unworthy to even be in the same room because I was convinced there was nothing wrong with me. Well, an elderly woman was sitting across from me with her daughter. It was obvious that her daughter was a BC survivor because she had what I now have: a bulge on one side and total flatness on the other. The daughter did not talk but her mom told me all about her daughter's experience and how she was back because she had found a lump in her remaining breast. Then she looked directly into my eyes and said, "never never never give up, no matter what..." I looked at her for a second, not really knowing how to respond. After all, I wasn't sick dammit. I was there for a second look, just to be safe. But she meant well, so I smiled and said "thank you very much" and kept smiling. She was sweet, so I didn't want to be dismissive or rude. Several months later after I had the mastectomy, found out that I hadn't caught it in time, and realized I was probably going to die from breast cancer, I thought of that woman. I realized that her daughter never talked to her or even looked to her left to acknowledge her mother's presence. Then I thought, could she have been an angel? Was I the only one who could see her or hear her? I didn't think anything about it at the time, but I've thought a LOT about it over the past year. It gives me great comfort to think of her, whether she was an angel or not. She was right. Never give up!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wonderful News
I'm still a little high from today's news and the drugs, but I didn't want to wait another minute to post this one. Here is the news I've been waiting to hear for over a year: my liver is clear!! I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest. I couldn't hardly say a word to my doctor though. He was really excited. We were too, but me and my husband pretty much just looked at each other, stunned. It was an awesome stunned feeling - better than last year's stunned feeling when we learned the disease was out of control and had spread to my liver.
Now on to the next steps. I will remain in weekly treatment with the same drugs for the next three months. I'm currenlty on Taxol as the chemo drug, and Zometa to stregthen my bones. My doctor stopped the Avastin when the surgical incision on my leg re-opened. The FDA is pulling Avastin from breast cancer patients anyway, so I wasn't surprised when my doctor said I would probably never go back on it. After three months, I will get scanned again to ensure my bone mets are still stable. Last year I had spots in my femur, spine and lumber, skull, and one of my ribs. Hopefully the mets will continue to improve. If so, I can stop weekly chemo and go on tamoxifen, which is a daily pill.
To be honest, I have mixed emotions about all of this. I am THRILLED to be getting better and I give God top credit for this. I wouldn’t have made it if I didn't have my Christian faith to sustain me. However, going to weekly treatment makes me feel safe too. Once it stops, I'm worried that it will just come back. My kind of cancer may never completely go away. Bone mets can improve and stabilize so they don't spread or get worse, but they may never completely disappear. When I start worrying, I just pray. I also rememeber the words that my oncologist has said even when I was at my very worst. Breast cancer has LOTS of treatment options that can extend my life by several years. I need to remember to live one day at a time and savor every moment, thanking God for all of my blessings.
Now on to the next steps. I will remain in weekly treatment with the same drugs for the next three months. I'm currenlty on Taxol as the chemo drug, and Zometa to stregthen my bones. My doctor stopped the Avastin when the surgical incision on my leg re-opened. The FDA is pulling Avastin from breast cancer patients anyway, so I wasn't surprised when my doctor said I would probably never go back on it. After three months, I will get scanned again to ensure my bone mets are still stable. Last year I had spots in my femur, spine and lumber, skull, and one of my ribs. Hopefully the mets will continue to improve. If so, I can stop weekly chemo and go on tamoxifen, which is a daily pill.
To be honest, I have mixed emotions about all of this. I am THRILLED to be getting better and I give God top credit for this. I wouldn’t have made it if I didn't have my Christian faith to sustain me. However, going to weekly treatment makes me feel safe too. Once it stops, I'm worried that it will just come back. My kind of cancer may never completely go away. Bone mets can improve and stabilize so they don't spread or get worse, but they may never completely disappear. When I start worrying, I just pray. I also rememeber the words that my oncologist has said even when I was at my very worst. Breast cancer has LOTS of treatment options that can extend my life by several years. I need to remember to live one day at a time and savor every moment, thanking God for all of my blessings.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Happy New Year!
A new year is here and I'm full of hope. Last year was the most challenging, scariest, and best year of my life. That may sound weird, but my eyes are wide open and I'm closer to God than ever. My faith gets stronger every day as God heals my body and dulls my pain.
This year, my only resolution is to live every day like it is my last and thank God for every second of it. Every day is a good day. Maybe the entire day isn't fabulous, but for the most part, it's great and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. Last January I wasn't even sure I would make to my birthday (May), much less live to see another Christmas or January.
I hope that if anyone is reading, I can inspire you just a little to go out and live your life. Don't live in fear or anger. Just ask God to lead you and get out there. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow.
This year, my only resolution is to live every day like it is my last and thank God for every second of it. Every day is a good day. Maybe the entire day isn't fabulous, but for the most part, it's great and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. Last January I wasn't even sure I would make to my birthday (May), much less live to see another Christmas or January.
I hope that if anyone is reading, I can inspire you just a little to go out and live your life. Don't live in fear or anger. Just ask God to lead you and get out there. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Positive News
I had a CT scan last week and got the results Monday (10/26). There are no new tumors and the liver lesions are shrinking. I will continue on the same treatment until my liver is clear. One thing that stood out in the report was the word "faint." Last New Years Eve, the report showed multiple liver lesions on the right lobe, the biggest being 11 MM. On Monday, the report read, "faint" lesions. I'm hoping that the next report will read, "unremarkable" which means no evidence of disease. I always thought "unremarkable" meant something negative, but when you have cancer, that word is golden.
I'm learning more about metastatic breast cancer every day. My oncologist tells me that I will probably not be cured, but the disease can be managed. Once my liver is declared "unremarkable" I can go on a different treatment plan. Maybe Tamoxifen, maybe chemo every three weeks instead of every week. I'll have periods when the disease is very under control, and then there may be other times when I have a "flare up" and I have to go back in treatment. Several years ago, stage IV metastatic breast cancer was pretty much a death sentence. Now people like me can live many years and keep the disease under control. It's really amazing.
I pray for strength and good health every day so I can stay in treatment and keep beating this. Without God, I wouldn't be here. Prayer and faith have gotten me through this year.
I'm learning more about metastatic breast cancer every day. My oncologist tells me that I will probably not be cured, but the disease can be managed. Once my liver is declared "unremarkable" I can go on a different treatment plan. Maybe Tamoxifen, maybe chemo every three weeks instead of every week. I'll have periods when the disease is very under control, and then there may be other times when I have a "flare up" and I have to go back in treatment. Several years ago, stage IV metastatic breast cancer was pretty much a death sentence. Now people like me can live many years and keep the disease under control. It's really amazing.
I pray for strength and good health every day so I can stay in treatment and keep beating this. Without God, I wouldn't be here. Prayer and faith have gotten me through this year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
