Is the End (of Chemo) Near?

Last week's chemo could be my last. I'm so happy I could explode. The thought of getting my eyelashes and eyebrows back makes me very happy. I'm also excited about getting normal fingernails and toenails again. Right now I look like that guy from the movie “Powder” and it’s not a good look, haha. I don't really care about my head hair though. I've gotten spoiled not having to straighten and style my hair every day so the wig has been nice! When my hair comes back, I’m keeping it short. I'm trying really hard not to get too excited though. I've seen/heard how mean cancer can be and it always comes back. Some day, whether it's next Tuesday, next year, or five years from now, I'll likely be back in chemo again. BUT, at least there are lots of treatment options available for me. I can't imagine what it would feel like for my doctor to tell me that there is nothing else he can do. He's never come close to saying that. He always points out that if I have a recurrence, there are lots of options. So I keep thinking positive thoughts, praying, and trying to keep my body healthy and ready to fight.

I had a CAT scan today, so I guess that's why emotions are high right now. I'll find out the results on Tuesday 4/12. I've been feeling good and haven't had any new symptoms. In addition, since my liver was declared clear, I've remained in the same treatment. I really doubt I have new growth anywhere. However, the fear is still there and I guess that will never go away.

My leg continues to be a pain in the butt - and back, haha. I'm still on a cane, but I get around pretty good. I'm working in the office almost every day and I go out with my husband and family. Life goes on, and I want it to be as normal as possible. So I just keep going.

Hmm, just keep going. That reminds me of a weird experience I had very early in my journey. Right after the first mammogram, they called me back to take a second look. While I was in the waiting room, I was totally unconcerned and actually felt guilty for sitting among so many sickly women. I felt unworthy to even be in the same room because I was convinced there was nothing wrong with me. Well, an elderly woman was sitting across from me with her daughter. It was obvious that her daughter was a BC survivor because she had what I now have: a bulge on one side and total flatness on the other. The daughter did not talk but her mom told me all about her daughter's experience and how she was back because she had found a lump in her remaining breast. Then she looked directly into my eyes and said, "never never never give up, no matter what..." I looked at her for a second, not really knowing how to respond. After all, I wasn't sick dammit. I was there for a second look, just to be safe. But she meant well, so I smiled and said "thank you very much" and kept smiling. She was sweet, so I didn't want to be dismissive or rude. Several months later after I had the mastectomy, found out that I hadn't caught it in time, and realized I was probably going to die from breast cancer, I thought of that woman. I realized that her daughter never talked to her or even looked to her left to acknowledge her mother's presence. Then I thought, could she have been an angel? Was I the only one who could see her or hear her? I didn't think anything about it at the time, but I've thought a LOT about it over the past year. It gives me great comfort to think of her, whether she was an angel or not. She was right. Never give up!

Wonderful News

I'm still a little high from today's news and the drugs, but I didn't want to wait another minute to post this one. Here is the news I've been waiting to hear for over a year: my liver is clear!! I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest. I couldn't hardly say a word to my doctor though. He was really excited. We were too, but me and my husband pretty much just looked at each other, stunned. It was an awesome stunned feeling - better than last year's stunned feeling when we learned the disease was out of control and had spread to my liver.

Now on to the next steps. I will remain in weekly treatment with the same drugs for the next three months. I'm currenlty on Taxol as the chemo drug, and Zometa to stregthen my bones. My doctor stopped the Avastin when the surgical incision on my leg re-opened. The FDA is pulling Avastin from breast cancer patients anyway, so I wasn't surprised when my doctor said I would probably never go back on it. After three months, I will get scanned again to ensure my bone mets are still stable. Last year I had spots in my femur, spine and lumber, skull, and one of my ribs. Hopefully the mets will continue to improve. If so, I can stop weekly chemo and go on tamoxifen, which is a daily pill.

To be honest, I have mixed emotions about all of this. I am THRILLED to be getting better and I give God top credit for this. I wouldn’t have made it if I didn't have my Christian faith to sustain me. However, going to weekly treatment makes me feel safe too. Once it stops, I'm worried that it will just come back. My kind of cancer may never completely go away. Bone mets can improve and stabilize so they don't spread or get worse, but they may never completely disappear. When I start worrying, I just pray. I also rememeber the words that my oncologist has said even when I was at my very worst. Breast cancer has LOTS of treatment options that can extend my life by several years. I need to remember to live one day at a time and savor every moment, thanking God for all of my blessings.

Happy New Year!

A new year is here and I'm full of hope. Last year was the most challenging, scariest, and best year of my life. That may sound weird, but my eyes are wide open and I'm closer to God than ever. My faith gets stronger every day as God heals my body and dulls my pain.

This year, my only resolution is to live every day like it is my last and thank God for every second of it. Every day is a good day. Maybe the entire day isn't fabulous, but for the most part, it's great and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. Last January I wasn't even sure I would make to my birthday (May), much less live to see another Christmas or January.

I hope that if anyone is reading, I can inspire you just a little to go out and live your life. Don't live in fear or anger. Just ask God to lead you and get out there. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow.

Positive News

I had a CT scan last week and got the results Monday (10/26). There are no new tumors and the liver lesions are shrinking. I will continue on the same treatment until my liver is clear. One thing that stood out in the report was the word "faint." Last New Years Eve, the report showed multiple liver lesions on the right lobe, the biggest being 11 MM. On Monday, the report read, "faint" lesions. I'm hoping that the next report will read, "unremarkable" which means no evidence of disease. I always thought "unremarkable" meant something negative, but when you have cancer, that word is golden.

I'm learning more about metastatic breast cancer every day. My oncologist tells me that I will probably not be cured, but the disease can be managed. Once my liver is declared "unremarkable" I can go on a different treatment plan. Maybe Tamoxifen, maybe chemo every three weeks instead of every week. I'll have periods when the disease is very under control, and then there may be other times when I have a "flare up" and I have to go back in treatment. Several years ago, stage IV metastatic breast cancer was pretty much a death sentence. Now people like me can live many years and keep the disease under control. It's really amazing.

I pray for strength and good health every day so I can stay in treatment and keep beating this. Without God, I wouldn't be here. Prayer and faith have gotten me through this year.

Hello Vanity

I knew I would have these feelings eventually...I miss my old body. I feel petty because I'm so thankful that I'm getting better. However, jealousy and anger creep in at times. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't totally buff and hot before I got sick, but at least I had both breasts and looked normal - yeah, there's that word again, haha. Anyway, me and my husband went out to dinner last night and two really attractive women came into the restaurant as we were finishing our dessert. They were wearing tight shirts and short-shorts. Both of them had the type of body that can get away with that kind of stuff. I rolled my eyes before I could even control myself. My husband quickly made fun of their hair saying that "the eighties called and want their hair back..." My husband always knows just what to say to make me laugh, even if it's mean, haha.

I had another "episode" a few weeks ago when we went to the JC mall. I used to LOVE going to Victoria's Secret. Their "Body by Victoria" bras are awesome. Well, all I wanted to do when I walked by was gripe about how much space one stupid store took up in the mall, and did they really have to take up a whole corner and most of the adjacent hallway? I quickly turned that anger around by getting an email ready to them regarding putting "pockets" in some of their bras. Some women like to add extra padding to their bras to get the push-up effect. If the pockets were made big enough, I could put my prosthesis in and wear my favorite bras again! I wonder how they will respond to my suggestion? Maybe it will be a big hit!

Oh well, for the most part missing a breast isn't really a big deal. I don't even notice most of the time. When I'm well enough, I may not even go for reconstruction. I may just have the other one removed and then I won't need a bra at all. Hmm, that might be a good thing!! :o)

Getting Stronger Every Day!!

I see my oncologist or nurse practitioner every few weeks, usually before chemo. Once a month, they check my tumor marker number. Well, on Tuesday it was 41!!! I feel better all the time and I know I'm going to beat this. I will not let cancer get to me no matter what. The power of prayer is amazing. If anyone out there feels alone or worries that God has forgotten them, never fear! God is always there - watching, protecting, and loving. Trust in Him completely and great things will happen.

Good News

Very encouraging news! I had a CAT scan a few weeks ago, and I'm still improving. My tumor marker number is also down to 57 - normal people are usually around 38 and below, so I'm on my way to "normal" haha. I will continue on the same treatment for now.

I'm back in the office every day except for chemo days. I promised myself that I would go back to the office when I could walk using a single point cane. I've been on the cane for a few months now. I'm hoping that in a few more months, I'll be able to walk without any help. I'll get there!

Me and my husband are also going to New York to visit his family next week. It will be my first road trip since September. I'm so ready.