You Look Great!

I’ve read articles about what NOT to say to cancer patients. Each article I’ve read always has this phrase in the “what NOT to say” column: “You don’t even look sick, you look great!”  Maybe there is something about the tone. Maybe if someone says it in a negative or hateful way, then that would definitely be inappropriate. But I’m just going to be totally honest here. I LOVE hearing it when someone tells me I look great or that I look healthy. If that’s how you really feel when you see me, I want to hear it and you can tell me a hundred times LOL. I promise will love it just as much after the hundredth time as I did the first time you said it. :o)

Speaking of what NOT to say, here is my list of phrases:

-You look pale
-You look too thin
-Chemo is as bad as the cancer
-I drank a special tea and now I’m cancer free
-Cancer is a money maker and “they” are hiding the cure from us!
-Why are you still using a cane?
-You have the best kind of cancer
-At least you don’t have [insert any other kind of disease or ailment here]
-You’re doing better than I am!
-I’ve had the same kind of chemo you’re taking and it didn’t work
-Did the doctor say how long you had to live?
-I hate [insert doctor’s name, hospital name here]; they let my [insert speaker’s family member/friend name here] die

I guess it just depends on the person and the kind of personality they have. Some people don’t want to hear any of it, and others need a lot of encouragement. What helps me the most is when people tell me they are praying for me. And again, I like looking good LOL.  Some of the people I’m in treatment with look really pitiful. I’m not saying I look like a model for good health, but at least I’m up and moving around, with some energy. I’m very thankful for that.

Quitters Never Win and Winners Never Quit

When I was a kid, I had a pretty short attention span. I had plenty of interests but when the work got too tough, I would quit and move on to the next interest. In 2^nd grade, I joined the Brownies because my sister was a Girl Scout and I loved her troop leader. My troop leader wasn’t as nice as Cat’s so I quit. In 5^th grade, I joined a little league baseball team. The first time I got hit with a ball, I quit. In 6^th grade, I joined the band and played the flute. I loved it and was pretty good at it, but the following year, we started marching, and I stunk. That was the end of the band. In the 7^th grade, I was placed in an advanced math class, but by 8^th grade, I was afraid it would be too hard, so I went back to the regular math classes. In 9^th grade, I ran track because I was dying to have a letterman’s jacket. As soon as I earned the jacket, I quit the team.

By the time I graduated high school, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I wanted to be an actress, but deep down, I knew that was just a silly fantasy that would never pan out. Shortly after graduation, I met my first boyfriend. He was attending the local college, so I decided to give it a try too. I’m no genius, and never claimed to be one. I hadn’t even taken my SATs, so I had to hurry up and take them in November so I could start college the following January. When I started going to college, I fell in love with the structure and routine. It was like someone had flipped a switch inside of me, and I vowed right then and there that no matter how tough things got, I would stick with it and finish. I didn’t want to add college to my quit list. Thankfully, I did stick with it. I added a busy class-packed minor to my course load late in my college career, so I took 5 years to finish, but I had a blast.

I couldn’t find a job in my field, so I started working at OfficeMax about 5 months after finishing school. I started in customer service and over the years, worked my way up through the ranks. In 2003, my dream position became available so I applied and I got it. I’ve been in the same position ever since. I won’t lie – in the 16 years I’ve been with the company, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs and believe me, I’ve been tempted to quit a few times. I actually did quit for 2 weeks in 1999 to work in an “elite private school” that turned out to be a glorified daycare center, so I quickly got my old job with OfficeMax back LOL. Other than that, I’ve stuck with it through the highs and lows.

Three and a half years ago, if anyone had told me that I would be facing a life-threatening illness, I wouldn’t have believed it or thought that I would be able to handle it. When I started getting one bad medical report after another, I was scared and overwhelmed. I wanted to cover my ears and just run away, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I had two choices: stand up and fight against it, or quit and die. So I chose to fight. Last week in chemo, I sat next to a patient that could barely move because she was in so much pain. But she uttered these words as she struggled to get up to go to the bathroom: “Quitters never win and winners never quit…” I had just gotten some really crappy news and was already fighting back tears, but to hear this very sickly woman say these words made my heart swell up and feel so encouraged. She’s right. You have to keep on pushing, even if it’s just to get up to go pee!

Bad News

Well it’s my birthday and I made it to 40, whoo hoo! I don’t mind getting older. In fact, I’m super thankful to be here. On Tuesday 5/7, my oncologist gave me an unwanted birthday present. The disease is worse than ever. Not only are the mets in my back worse, I have new ones in my back (spine, lumbar, sacrum) and I have tumors in my liver again! Dang.

It’s pretty scary to have so much new growth while I’m in weekly treatment. I always felt so safe while I was in weekly treatment. But every single patient is unique and everyone reacts to the various drugs differently. Some of them work beautifully. Apparently, other drugs have about as much effectiveness as running saline through your veins LOL. So my doc started me on a different drug right away. He gave me great comfort by telling me that while he knew the results days before I came in on Tuesday, it provided him with time to research what drug he wanted to use, and to get the pre-authorization from my insurance. That way, he could give me the news and then say, “…But I have another drug that we are going to start TODAY…” No waiting for them to think about it or get pre-authorization from Blue Cross.

I’m not going to lie or pretend that everything is fabulous. I am scared shitless. I have three pretty good sized tumors on my liver, the biggest one being 7cm. Having tumors up and down my spine also scares the crap out of me because I’m trying to get mobile, and I’m scared I’m going to break something or hurt myself some other way.

When I get too scared, I try to remember that God’s plan and timing are perfect, no matter what. God’s perfect plan may be to bring me home to be with Him. Then again, this all may be happening to make my testimony stronger. Last Sunday, my pastor preached about always being prepared to talk about why your faith in God is strong, and to be ready to give your testimony (1 Peter 3:15). The miracles that I’ve experienced during my cancer battle have been wonderful and I’ve just been in awe of what God has done for me. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I shouldn’t be here. As bad as the disease was 3 years ago, I didn’t think I would make it a year, much less make it to 40! Science was not, and is still not on my side, but God is in control. If it’s part of His perfect will that I make it through this battle, He can heal me with the touch of His fingertip. For the most part, I feel at peace. I’m still not going to stop fighting, ever! But when I get scared, I try to remember one of my favorite scriptures: Philippians 4:6 – Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.

For those of you that are still reading, just keep on praying!