Just Say It Out Loud

I don't go out too much for a few reasons. One reason is because I don't want to expose myself to yucky germs while I'm doing chemo. Another reason is I'm still building up the muscles in my leg and right now, I'm getting around with a walker. My oncologist wrote me a prescription for a four-point cane so hopefully, I'll be strong enough to get on it soon. My physical therapist is going to help me practice with it next week. Well, when a thirty-something reasonably healthy-looking woman is on a walker, people ask questions. I don't mind being asked questions because generally, people mean well and they are very kind. Since my diagnosis though, I've said "I have cancer" out loud maybe three times. Last week my husband took me out to dinner for our anniversary and the restaurant owner wanted to know what happened to me. At first I just joked that I had a bad leg. Then she asked again what happened, so I just said it - "I have cancer." She was very sweet and told me that she would pray for me. I thanked her and told her that prayer had gotten me through it so far, and that my treatment was working. It sounds so strange to say those words.

Most of the time, I don't even feel sick. If my leg wasn't messed up, I would feel totally normal. I'm very thankful that I've felt good through all of this. I can't help but fantasize sometimes that it's all just a big mistake. I wouldn't be mad or sue the doctors if it did turn out to be a mistake. I've learned a lot from all of this and I think I've become a better Christian because of it. I know that's silly because it's definitely real. Blood work and scans don't lie.

I went to my first breast cancer support group meeting last month, so I'm sure they can all relate to my feelings and help me work through them. Overall, I'm in good spirits and I really believe that God has a special plan for me. I think I'm going to beat this! I should probably just say it out loud more often though. Maybe by talking about it more, I won't be so freaked out by the way it sounds.